What is healing? How does it work and why does one person heal and another die? Great questions to be asking if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with a serious illness. When I was a kid, I remember having a particularly bad cold. I was out of school for 4 or 5 days, and not feeling much better. Until my mom brought me a chocolate doughnut. I don't know what was in it, but after eating it I felt immediately better! Was I ever really sick? Maybe I was depressed and the sugar knocked me out of it. What ever it was, it worked. For years afterwards, if I was sick, it was the only thing that would make me feel better! Imagine a 48 year old man begging his partner, to drive to Winchell's for the cure to his cold. It doesn't work! Especially, with my partner who is fascinated by nutrition. You don't need sugar! In fact that is the worst thing you can do right now! Damn logic! Still when he would go to work, I'd sneak out and get my chocolate doughnut and suddenly feel fine! It is my personal placebo effect! The thing is, that I am old enough and smart enough to know that stuffing my inner child with doughnuts won't cure my cancer.
So back to the question. My new friend Csaba, who is a member of a group that I call my Survivor Team, suggested that I read "Love, Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie S. Siegel, M.D. For the last week I have been devouring the book. In many ways it has been like readyin about myself on it's pages over and over again. For me the following was the most telling:
(Dr Segal is speaking of a patient that is not healing. He has been thinking that some people don't actually want to get better) "One evening when I first began to understand this, I happened to be in the room as one of my partners was discussing treatment with Harold a middle-aged color-cancer patient and his wife. I could hear his resistance to every option. Finally I broke in and said, "I don't think you really want to live."
His wife was enraged. But Harold himself spoke up. "Wait a minute." he said. "He's absolutely right. My father's ninety and senile and in a nursing home, and I never want to be like my father, so it's perfectly all right if I die of cancer now."
Shocking, isn't it? I saw myself in that paragraph. I had suspected that my disease was trying to tell me something, and reading this page, I realized what it was. I had grown tired with the life that I had been living. I wanted more, much more, but didn't know what and had not had the guts to really sit down, be quite and figure it out. I lived out of a since of frustration and inerta each day. Coming home from work and watching TV in order to avoid the boredom and still aware that these actions were boring me to death. When I read that I asked myself "Ran, do you want to die?" the answer came "No, I just don't want this." (Interesting fact that for so many men and women, cancer hits around mid-life). It had nothing to do with my relationship. I love my partner and feel blessed every day just to have him in the same room with me. What had happened though was this: throughout my 30's I always felt like I was on the fast track. My career was, if not taking off, at least continually moving forward. It was fun, I traveled. I was creative. I felt alive. Until I failed at it! Loosing job after job, until one day, I made a decision to start all over again. I went to school to learn to do upholstery (more for fun that a career) and became a barista at Starbucks. I liked Starbucks and suck with it moving quickly up to store manager. Then I felt stuck again. It wasn't creative, fun. I wasn't traveling. I then got fired! After a few months I then took a job in retail management. I love the company, but when forced to be honest with myself, can't see myself making a long term commitment to them unless I could figure out a way to safisfy some of my basic needs I will upon completion of Radiation, no doubt, return to work, while I research and figure out what the next step is for me. I still have to make a living.. I may not know how it is going to play out, but I want to create! I want to travel and I want to feel myself moving forward in the world. For years I thought it was about becoming rich. It's not about possessions. It is about waking up in the morning, rejoicing that you are alive and get to be part of all of this! In terms of money, I want to be at a place where Ken never stresses out about our finances. I don't know exactly what all of this will take, but I do know this. The ultimate cure is riding on my figuring it all out.
Reading Dr Siegel's book has been eye opening. That there are people who don't want to live. I was always taught that the instinct for self preservation was our strongest. And yet when we get tired and feel stuck, we can make ourselves sick and even die. So many people have told me that I am brave lately. It never felt like it. I knew the moment that I heard the diagnosis, that I would survive. What I didn't know is that I wouldn't be saving that life. I see clearly now that the life that I am to save has yet to be revealed to me. I remember being prepped for surgery. An elderly Irish Priest came by and offered to pray with/for me. After he left my prep area something strange happened. My body grew hot and I could feel energy moving thru me. I knew then that that energy was God's healing energy (no doubt increased by the team of people praying for me at that exact moment and you guys know who you are). I have written a fair amount about prayer in my blog, but now understand something else. That energy, is the same I felt all throughout my 30's and every time in my life that things were working especially the first time I saw Ken across a room. I think that just maybe that energy is God, or God's path or what ever you want to call it. Allowing yourself to be divinely guided. Allowing yourself to be open to the help of others in the form of prayer. Allowing yourself to be open to love and open to giving love. That to me is healing.
It's funny to me that we are called survivors. It sound like something you'd say about a antique piece of furniture. "This desk has been in my family for five generations. It survived Hurricane Katrina." I think the reality is we are more than survivors. We have gone thru a metamorphosis! We are changelings in the best possible sense of the word. I don't have an exact phrase for it, but I can tell you that I am different today. Today I choose life. I also get to choose what that life will be. So now when people say to me "you're brave", I have one thing to say. "You're right."
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Words
After I wrote today's post, I thought about it. I was worried about what my family might think and most of all afraid that it could hurt my sister. I was also thinking that the readers of Frankentongue might wonder what all of this has to do with cancer. I was about to erase it and start over when I realized that what I had written has so much to do with my own healing, the healing of my family. It struck me that words themselves can become a type of cancer growing in our minds until they branch and spread and do their damage, sometimes on the most innocent. I believe that in order to heal, it involves body, mind and spirit. If I don't address all of them the healing will be incomplete. I have revealed some truths about my family, not as a way to cause further damage, but in hopes that we can all look at things in the light of truth and each of us heal in our own way. And as far as my blog goes, I made a promise to keep my writing honest, even if it was painful. So with that here is today's post:
Everyone who knows me knows that I love to talk! Going thru surgery to remove half of my tongue and not being able to speak for a few weeks was hard. Then, beginning the process to learn to speak again has been if not hard, certainly challenging. I used to talk fast! Now I tend to run out of air before I can get a sentence out. And that sentence sounds like it has been formed in a mouth filled with mashed potatoes or some other food source. Each week the swelling of my tongue continues to diminish and my voice is slightly clearer. It makes communicating much easier. Through this journey, though, I have a new found appreciation for words. Most importantly the words that will come out of my mouth.
It was very important to me that the first words that I spoke, upon having my trech removed, were words of love. The first time I saw Ken after the surgery I was able to mouth the words, but wanted to speak them. I know he knows, but for some reason I feel better saying it to him. As I learn more about the importance of words, the more important it is to me to say I love you to the people I love. It seems we just run thru life always expecting these people to know. And while I'm sure they do, I want to know that they know that I know that they know! It just seems the way it should be. I have made a point of saying I love you to the people in my life lately, even my dogs!
We all grew up knowing the saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me". The older I get the more I see that while that statement would be nice, it is unfortunately untrue! I know I have said horrible things in my life. I have lied, manipulated and used my mouth for if not evil, certainly for some really nasty stuff! And as I sit here with half a tongue thinking that had I not used my words to hurt or sting maybe I wouldn't be in this situation right now. (Hey, it's a theory. Not ready to say that's it, only that it could have been a contributor). One of the great things to come from my cancer, has been texting with my sisters on pretty much a daily basis. It is obvious to me, at least, that if the three of us were interviewed, that the person doing the interview would swear we all grew up in different houses with different families. While, I seem to be the happy go lucky kid, who managed to escape the worst, I know exactly why that is. I did escape. I turned my back on my family for years. I didn't want to be that kid. I was determined to be something more, move forward, don't look back or take a risk of being stuck. I created myself. Funny and self confident. Like many comedians I used the humor to hide my pain in the beginning, but found over the years that the pain has somehow subsided. I had done enough work, examined my life in ways that I was able to accept who I was, and what was in the past. I found that thru self examination and knowing the truth, that creating your self was possible. That knowledge didn't stop me from losing my way however. Diligence is important. No matter what we uncover and resolve it seems like there is still more waiting just below that. It's like dissecting the worlds larges onion.
One of the amazing gifts that cancer has brought to me has been reacquainting myself with my sisters. The process has revealed, that we did not all walk the same path. While my oldest sister, is just a font of love and always manages to remind me of a happy Irish Sitter, my middle sister seems to have gotten the worst of it from our mother. She and I have shared very intimate details, which I will not go into here, because it is her story to tell, not mine. What I have learned thru this though, is the power of words. Never tell a child anything that you would not say to GOD! What? That's right! And what do we say to GOD?, I love you, you are magnificent, you are all knowing, you are the creator! That is exactly what children need most to hear. Words will never hurt me? I think not. I've seen the devastating effects of cruel words first hand. And while for most of my life, it seemed only natural to find the worst in myself, I see now, just how much help I had. My nose is too big, My skin is a mess, I'm fat, I'm too boney, I'm not masculine, I'm stupid. I'll never be able to learn this, I'm not creative. I can't cook. I am not enough! We all know the drill. Listen only to the worst that your mind wants to filter down. It keeps us from living up to our true potential. Floating around in my mind are thousands of insults, lies and weapons of self destruction. I can choose to believe them and go on in this journey, but the reality is I most likely won't survive. The other course is to listen then analyze the words. Who said that? Why did they say it? The truth about so much of the gobldy gook floating around in my head is that it came from my mother.(and a fair amount from school mates. Another reason to not say cruel things to children, they can be mean enough on their own) The sad truth is that my mom was an addict and alcoholic. She had so many wonderful qualities, but there was aura of anger and bitterness that seemed to swim about her always threatening to engulf the family. I know from talking with my Dad, that he left because he could not deal with it anymore. I don't blame him at all. Save yourself, or you won't be able to save anyone else.
My relationship with my father has helped to save me over the years. It was seeing myself thru his eyes, that cleared the haze away and allowed me to see that there was potential in me. While it is true that my father was absent from much of my childhood, it is equally true, that he became a friend and ally to me as an adult, and that relationship gave me strength beyond any bond that we may have had when I was younger. He never told me I was stupid, even when I was screaming those words to him. He challenged his own faith and beliefs in order to be able to accept me as a gay man and accept my partner Ken into the family. I know that my sisters don't have the same relationship with him that I do and it makes me sad. I listen to the stories of our childhoods and think, "Where was I while that was happening". I don't remember a lot of what the girls describe. I will say this though. There storeys inspire me and make me want to be a better man. To be someone that is kind and generous, especially when it come to my word. Let the words that come from my new tongue, be softer and more loving. Let criticism be left in the past and replaced by praise and if that doesn't work, If I can't say something nice, let me say nothing at all! And if that doesn't work at least let me say something funny!
Everyone who knows me knows that I love to talk! Going thru surgery to remove half of my tongue and not being able to speak for a few weeks was hard. Then, beginning the process to learn to speak again has been if not hard, certainly challenging. I used to talk fast! Now I tend to run out of air before I can get a sentence out. And that sentence sounds like it has been formed in a mouth filled with mashed potatoes or some other food source. Each week the swelling of my tongue continues to diminish and my voice is slightly clearer. It makes communicating much easier. Through this journey, though, I have a new found appreciation for words. Most importantly the words that will come out of my mouth.
It was very important to me that the first words that I spoke, upon having my trech removed, were words of love. The first time I saw Ken after the surgery I was able to mouth the words, but wanted to speak them. I know he knows, but for some reason I feel better saying it to him. As I learn more about the importance of words, the more important it is to me to say I love you to the people I love. It seems we just run thru life always expecting these people to know. And while I'm sure they do, I want to know that they know that I know that they know! It just seems the way it should be. I have made a point of saying I love you to the people in my life lately, even my dogs!
We all grew up knowing the saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me". The older I get the more I see that while that statement would be nice, it is unfortunately untrue! I know I have said horrible things in my life. I have lied, manipulated and used my mouth for if not evil, certainly for some really nasty stuff! And as I sit here with half a tongue thinking that had I not used my words to hurt or sting maybe I wouldn't be in this situation right now. (Hey, it's a theory. Not ready to say that's it, only that it could have been a contributor). One of the great things to come from my cancer, has been texting with my sisters on pretty much a daily basis. It is obvious to me, at least, that if the three of us were interviewed, that the person doing the interview would swear we all grew up in different houses with different families. While, I seem to be the happy go lucky kid, who managed to escape the worst, I know exactly why that is. I did escape. I turned my back on my family for years. I didn't want to be that kid. I was determined to be something more, move forward, don't look back or take a risk of being stuck. I created myself. Funny and self confident. Like many comedians I used the humor to hide my pain in the beginning, but found over the years that the pain has somehow subsided. I had done enough work, examined my life in ways that I was able to accept who I was, and what was in the past. I found that thru self examination and knowing the truth, that creating your self was possible. That knowledge didn't stop me from losing my way however. Diligence is important. No matter what we uncover and resolve it seems like there is still more waiting just below that. It's like dissecting the worlds larges onion.
One of the amazing gifts that cancer has brought to me has been reacquainting myself with my sisters. The process has revealed, that we did not all walk the same path. While my oldest sister, is just a font of love and always manages to remind me of a happy Irish Sitter, my middle sister seems to have gotten the worst of it from our mother. She and I have shared very intimate details, which I will not go into here, because it is her story to tell, not mine. What I have learned thru this though, is the power of words. Never tell a child anything that you would not say to GOD! What? That's right! And what do we say to GOD?, I love you, you are magnificent, you are all knowing, you are the creator! That is exactly what children need most to hear. Words will never hurt me? I think not. I've seen the devastating effects of cruel words first hand. And while for most of my life, it seemed only natural to find the worst in myself, I see now, just how much help I had. My nose is too big, My skin is a mess, I'm fat, I'm too boney, I'm not masculine, I'm stupid. I'll never be able to learn this, I'm not creative. I can't cook. I am not enough! We all know the drill. Listen only to the worst that your mind wants to filter down. It keeps us from living up to our true potential. Floating around in my mind are thousands of insults, lies and weapons of self destruction. I can choose to believe them and go on in this journey, but the reality is I most likely won't survive. The other course is to listen then analyze the words. Who said that? Why did they say it? The truth about so much of the gobldy gook floating around in my head is that it came from my mother.(and a fair amount from school mates. Another reason to not say cruel things to children, they can be mean enough on their own) The sad truth is that my mom was an addict and alcoholic. She had so many wonderful qualities, but there was aura of anger and bitterness that seemed to swim about her always threatening to engulf the family. I know from talking with my Dad, that he left because he could not deal with it anymore. I don't blame him at all. Save yourself, or you won't be able to save anyone else.
My relationship with my father has helped to save me over the years. It was seeing myself thru his eyes, that cleared the haze away and allowed me to see that there was potential in me. While it is true that my father was absent from much of my childhood, it is equally true, that he became a friend and ally to me as an adult, and that relationship gave me strength beyond any bond that we may have had when I was younger. He never told me I was stupid, even when I was screaming those words to him. He challenged his own faith and beliefs in order to be able to accept me as a gay man and accept my partner Ken into the family. I know that my sisters don't have the same relationship with him that I do and it makes me sad. I listen to the stories of our childhoods and think, "Where was I while that was happening". I don't remember a lot of what the girls describe. I will say this though. There storeys inspire me and make me want to be a better man. To be someone that is kind and generous, especially when it come to my word. Let the words that come from my new tongue, be softer and more loving. Let criticism be left in the past and replaced by praise and if that doesn't work, If I can't say something nice, let me say nothing at all! And if that doesn't work at least let me say something funny!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Laura's Story
I am so excited to be introducing you to my friend Laura! I first met her thru Weight Watchers while I was working as a receptionist (yes, the people who weigh you in). I had only been around her a short time, as I normally worked another meedting, but always felt a special connection with her. I didn't realize how special that connection would become. This past year when I announced to the world, via Facebook, that I had cancer, Laura was the first to contact me. She not only contacted me, she let me know quickly that she had walked in these shoes and would be there for me. I was so touched at her sincere desire to help me get thru this quickly. She has introducted me to other survivors and was in fact the inspiration for my Survivor Team. I have faced lots of decisions during this journey and have had to contact her on several occasions, she has always made the time for me. Just listening to her helped make up my mind to have radiation and chemotherapy. I have learned thru her that cancer survivors are a pay it forward kind of group. Reading her story today, I can see why! Laura you have always been an inspiration to me and I am happy to be sharing you!
Laura's Story:
Laura's Story:
There should be a new movie rating, “CVD” for “Cancer Victim Dies.” That way I will know to avoid seeing that movie. I hate all those movies in which a character gets cancer and is dead by the end of the movie. Many of us survive years beyond a diagnosis of cancer. I have lived almost eleven years.
Easter weekend 2000, I felt a hard, painless lump on my neck the size of a super ball. I knew that it was cancer although it took several weeks for doctors to diagnose lymphoma, cancer of the lymph glands. They considered radiation similar to what Ran will have combined with chemotherapy but the tumor board decided that I should have six cycles of CHOP chemotherapy.
At the time of my diagnosis, my children were 19, 12 and 9 years of age. I had been married to my high school sweetheart for 21 years. I realized pretty early in my cancer journey that things were more difficult for my family and friends than they were for me. The worst case for me was that I would die. I believe that there is a better life after death. It was very difficult for my husband to be the caregiver and to be strong for me when he was so afraid. I was grateful that we went to The Wellness Community weekly where I got support from other cancer patients while Bob met with other caregivers.
We did not choose to have the Internet and email in our home until 2009 so when it came time to notify friends and acquaintances about my cancer diagnosis, I used the telephone. I called dozens of people and re-told my story. I am grateful for the prayers, love and support I received. I chose to keep my volunteer commitments leading weekly Girl Scout meetings and telling stories at the elementary school every Friday. I gave up doing the dishes and driving the car. I felt “fuzzy” from “chemo-brain.” My 19-year-old son, Theo took a semester off from college to drive his siblings to and from school and ensure that his 9-year-old sister could continue her daily ballet and dance lessons and other activities. Friends brought meals for my family for six months. One friend gave me a massage every week.
Every time I went to chemo, I would reread the get well cards from my friends and family. I read extensively (books not the Internet) but I would stop reading when the book would discuss survival statistics. I knew my odds would be either 100% or 0% so the statistics were meaningless for me as an individual. I continued to write daily in my journal. I started to write obnoxious rhyming poems about cancer as well modern fairy tales. After I completed my chemo, I wanted a long-term project so I decided to write one hundred short stories over the next decade (10/year). I recently completed my 100th story.
I have met cancer patients who wanted to complete their “bucket lists.” One friend postponed chemo so that she could take a vacation to Europe . Chemo couldn’t start soon enough for me. I didn’t have a bucket list. My dream life was living with my true love, raising my beloved children, having friends, writing and volunteering in my community. I didn’t need any adventures beyond the life I was leading. I am grateful that my cancer is a memory and a reminder that when I needed care and love, friends were there to lift me up and carry me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
The best laid plans....
Today we had a blackout at our house which got me thinking. One of the first things I noticed is how quite it is. Really, is my house this noisy just from electricity running thru the wires and of course things like the refrigerator that are always on. The quite was relaxing, but not having electricity was getting in the way of my plans. Laundry would have to wait, juicing would have to wait, using the vacuum would have to wait. Before I could get mad I realized I really wasn't looking forward to any of that anyway. Just necessary chores that could be rescheduled. It didn't really matter (well in part because I had spoken with the city workers and knew it would be out until around 3pm. Knowing that there is a time limit on any disability makes it much easier to bare).
It started making me think about "A Course in Miracles". A Course in Miracles, is a self-study spiritual thought system that teaches the way to Universal Love through Forgiveness. I didn't do so well in the course though. It starts off with an exercise about things not meaning anything. In fact the first exercise, if I recall correctly is The Chair doesn't mean anything. That was where I got stumped by A Course in Miracles. However the chair that I was focusing on I really liked. A LOT. What can this mean. I love this chair! Perhaps in hindsight I should have taken the course in group form and not attempted the home school version that I clearly wasn't ready for. In a course, group fashion, I would not have been attached to the ugly metal chairs that I would have been forced to sit on and would have been able to see that the chair doesn't mean anything. Now 20 years later I have not achieved universal love through forgiveness. I should have planned better. The funny thing is that now that we have furniture that we both really love (so special in fact that certain pieces have names. Our sofa is Norma, her mate of a chair is Max. We also have the Frankenstein chair and the cat pee chair) and in spite of loving these pieces so much today somehow, I can see that they don't mean anything. Maybe I should order a new copy of the course. Maybe I'm ready. Maybe I have already achieved universal love thru forgiveness (probably not, but now that I think about it I don't feel that I have anything to forgive. The flip side to this is that I should check with my friends and family and see if I need to ask for forgiveness for something I may have done, or most likely some slip of the tongue).
When we examine our lives it is amazing the stuff we find. It has been on my mind that I need to start clearing away the physical clutter of my life to support being more clear of mind (one of the suggestions for people with ADD). Of course I need to start with my garage! packed with all sorts of stuff! A ton of art supplies and boxes upon boxes of books. Kenny loves to blame me for the condition that our garage is in and I used to think that he was so stupid, that half of that stuff was his. I started cleaning the garage a few months back for his birthday and found that almost everything out there is mine. Or as I like to think of it; "ours" at least in the legal sense. One of the other ways I know that I have not achieved perfect enlightenment, is that occasionally, I have an idea of how to milk the situation. I want the clear up the clutter. I have radiation coming up. Maybe I can get Ken to "help" me. The last time I suggested this he shouted that he would just throw everything thing out. Hey, if nothing means anything, maybe that isn't such a bad idea. Provided that I get out of the way.
Yes I know, that I should be making plans to handle all of this on my own and never "milk" Ken. How else will I achieve perfect health and true enlightenment? Maybe Ken will and I can gain the wisdom vicariously. No, that won't work. This is my life, my wisdom. I have to be the one to do the work, but right now all I can think is that it doesn't really matter....
It started making me think about "A Course in Miracles". A Course in Miracles, is a self-study spiritual thought system that teaches the way to Universal Love through Forgiveness. I didn't do so well in the course though. It starts off with an exercise about things not meaning anything. In fact the first exercise, if I recall correctly is The Chair doesn't mean anything. That was where I got stumped by A Course in Miracles. However the chair that I was focusing on I really liked. A LOT. What can this mean. I love this chair! Perhaps in hindsight I should have taken the course in group form and not attempted the home school version that I clearly wasn't ready for. In a course, group fashion, I would not have been attached to the ugly metal chairs that I would have been forced to sit on and would have been able to see that the chair doesn't mean anything. Now 20 years later I have not achieved universal love through forgiveness. I should have planned better. The funny thing is that now that we have furniture that we both really love (so special in fact that certain pieces have names. Our sofa is Norma, her mate of a chair is Max. We also have the Frankenstein chair and the cat pee chair) and in spite of loving these pieces so much today somehow, I can see that they don't mean anything. Maybe I should order a new copy of the course. Maybe I'm ready. Maybe I have already achieved universal love thru forgiveness (probably not, but now that I think about it I don't feel that I have anything to forgive. The flip side to this is that I should check with my friends and family and see if I need to ask for forgiveness for something I may have done, or most likely some slip of the tongue).
When we examine our lives it is amazing the stuff we find. It has been on my mind that I need to start clearing away the physical clutter of my life to support being more clear of mind (one of the suggestions for people with ADD). Of course I need to start with my garage! packed with all sorts of stuff! A ton of art supplies and boxes upon boxes of books. Kenny loves to blame me for the condition that our garage is in and I used to think that he was so stupid, that half of that stuff was his. I started cleaning the garage a few months back for his birthday and found that almost everything out there is mine. Or as I like to think of it; "ours" at least in the legal sense. One of the other ways I know that I have not achieved perfect enlightenment, is that occasionally, I have an idea of how to milk the situation. I want the clear up the clutter. I have radiation coming up. Maybe I can get Ken to "help" me. The last time I suggested this he shouted that he would just throw everything thing out. Hey, if nothing means anything, maybe that isn't such a bad idea. Provided that I get out of the way.
Yes I know, that I should be making plans to handle all of this on my own and never "milk" Ken. How else will I achieve perfect health and true enlightenment? Maybe Ken will and I can gain the wisdom vicariously. No, that won't work. This is my life, my wisdom. I have to be the one to do the work, but right now all I can think is that it doesn't really matter....
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Weekends
For years I have been in an industry were I worked on the weekends, so the whole excitement of Fridays has eluded me a bit (with the exception of checking my Sister-In-Laws, Gabby's, fun Friday Faceook sticky notes, which I oddly look forward to). Now that I am a stay at home kind of guy life is more of a blur. I couldn't tell you what day of the week it is half of the time. I live with my nose in my I-Phone and have to be diligent at using my calender otherwise, nothing would ever get done. (Well, in reality it would because Ken keeps the backup and manages to be a pretty good handler). But normally life just floats by. It is rather nice actually. I wonder if this is how it used to be before we got crazy about working and acquiring more unnecessary objects. There is a certain Zen to it.
Until this weekend! I am well aware of the fact that today is Sunday the 27th of February! Today is The Oscars! In our house it is a big day! We love film, fashion and food. The 3 corner stones that make The Oscars...well....The Oscars. This year I didn't see half of the films. Come to think of it that isn't anything new. I'm still bringing out the gloves and going to scream at the TV! Roll my eyes when certain douche bag actors exceed the top of the needless pontification scale, and laugh at the fact that everyone there thinks that this is important. In the grand scale of things it isn't. It is just another day where Hollywood has decided to pat itself on the back and I love it! This is the original reality TV if you think about it. You get stars that are top of the mind as they have had films released the previous year. You get Fashion (good and bad, we tend to root for the bad), And you get food! (that you have had to prepare yourself because you weren't invited to the Governors Ball or the new hot ticket Oprah's Ball) It makes for an evening of fun. The Oscars are to the whole of LA, Women and Gay men everywhere what the Superbowl is to the rest of the country. (Hopefully for some of you who have no desire to watch that will put it in perspective)
This year is a bit different. I'm still watching, still rolling my eyes, still laughing, but this year my food will be of a liquid nature! In a time of so many changes, it is nice to only have one minor change on one of my favorite nights of the year! Tomorrow it will be back to research, doctors appointments and prepping for radiation and chemotherapy, but that is then and this is now! Tonight we live with the stars!
Until this weekend! I am well aware of the fact that today is Sunday the 27th of February! Today is The Oscars! In our house it is a big day! We love film, fashion and food. The 3 corner stones that make The Oscars...well....The Oscars. This year I didn't see half of the films. Come to think of it that isn't anything new. I'm still bringing out the gloves and going to scream at the TV! Roll my eyes when certain douche bag actors exceed the top of the needless pontification scale, and laugh at the fact that everyone there thinks that this is important. In the grand scale of things it isn't. It is just another day where Hollywood has decided to pat itself on the back and I love it! This is the original reality TV if you think about it. You get stars that are top of the mind as they have had films released the previous year. You get Fashion (good and bad, we tend to root for the bad), And you get food! (that you have had to prepare yourself because you weren't invited to the Governors Ball or the new hot ticket Oprah's Ball) It makes for an evening of fun. The Oscars are to the whole of LA, Women and Gay men everywhere what the Superbowl is to the rest of the country. (Hopefully for some of you who have no desire to watch that will put it in perspective)
This year is a bit different. I'm still watching, still rolling my eyes, still laughing, but this year my food will be of a liquid nature! In a time of so many changes, it is nice to only have one minor change on one of my favorite nights of the year! Tomorrow it will be back to research, doctors appointments and prepping for radiation and chemotherapy, but that is then and this is now! Tonight we live with the stars!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
You are what you eat...
We all know that phrase. I remember hearing it in elementary school in the 60's! Yet, it seems that our country forgot the importance of nutrition. We have replaced healthy eating with quick, easy microwavable meals. Processed so far down that the foods in the box taste nothing like what they are supposed to. For a long time, health food stores and food collectives were considered a haven for tree hugging hippies or the terminally ill trying any last ditch effort on their way to the grave.
Some things have gotten better, such as the introduction of organic produce into most supermarkets, Farmers Markets becoming important and far more accessible in our communities. Those are good changes, but in sharp contrast look at the levels of obesity (child to adult). Diabetes on the rise. Several cancers on the rise. We are not getting the message! And worse sometimes there is no message. After my surgery, I was on a feeding tube until I learned to swallow. When I was taken off of it, my doctor gave me a list of things that I could drink, one of them being soda. I remember being shocked! You would have to be raised under a rock to not know that soda is not a healthy choice. But after asking some questions it became clearer that there was in fact no message to hear. I asked several nutritional questions and got the following responses. Eat enough calories and protein. OK....Is that all? You can take a multi vitamin if you want to.
In the book, Beating Cancer with Nutrition, by Patrick Quillin, PhD, RD, CNS on of the most surprising statistics to me was that over 40% of cancer patients actually die from malnutrition not the cancer itself. Reading further into the book, and I wasn't as shocked because it is revealed that the top 3 vegetables in America are Ketchup French Fries and Onion Rings. Follow that with the fact the 2 of the top 10 grocery items were cigarettes (some of the other items included processed cheese and soda). I don't really think I grew up that much differently than the rest of the world, but I have always believed in proper nutrition. Believed in being the operative words here. I didn't end up going to weight watchers because I was eating a perfect diet. But I knew that upon receiving my diagnosis, nutrition was going to factor quite heavily into my survival. I have no plans on shaking up my world and going crazy with it. I believe that moderation is the key to success. Especially for me. If I did nothing but juice, eat raw foods and work out, the pendulum would eventually swing, knocking me into the nearest Mexican restaurant where the binge would begin. Later Ken would find me moaning under pizza delivery boxes and tubs of Popeye's fried chicken and the process would have to start all over again. Better not to take that route.
Our insurance is thru Kaiser, which I love. They are a very proactive company. Work to help people get healthy thru quiting smoking, exercise and nutrition. My question to them, is where is all of that when someone actually gets a disease, especially one as serious as cancer? Now it feels that we are left alone to figure this out (or not, as I am sure so many people end up doing. My doctor didn't say anything about nutrition and cancer so why should I worry?) Thank God, that I had an amazing group of people step up with information and advice from the very beginning. I had know people who's story with cancer I'd never heard until my diagnosis and have had others introduced to me. I call them my "Survival Team". (and a little teaser here, I have talked to some of them about contributing to this blog. Their storey's have touched and guided me and I can't wait to share them with everyone).
We are all here on this planet just trying to figure it out. In times of health or disease, we go on the best way we can. The thing here is that the times of disease remind you that you need to get it figured out as soon as possible or miss out on the health. So I read, study, Google search, pray and most of all get by with a little help from my friends!
Some things have gotten better, such as the introduction of organic produce into most supermarkets, Farmers Markets becoming important and far more accessible in our communities. Those are good changes, but in sharp contrast look at the levels of obesity (child to adult). Diabetes on the rise. Several cancers on the rise. We are not getting the message! And worse sometimes there is no message. After my surgery, I was on a feeding tube until I learned to swallow. When I was taken off of it, my doctor gave me a list of things that I could drink, one of them being soda. I remember being shocked! You would have to be raised under a rock to not know that soda is not a healthy choice. But after asking some questions it became clearer that there was in fact no message to hear. I asked several nutritional questions and got the following responses. Eat enough calories and protein. OK....Is that all? You can take a multi vitamin if you want to.
In the book, Beating Cancer with Nutrition, by Patrick Quillin, PhD, RD, CNS on of the most surprising statistics to me was that over 40% of cancer patients actually die from malnutrition not the cancer itself. Reading further into the book, and I wasn't as shocked because it is revealed that the top 3 vegetables in America are Ketchup French Fries and Onion Rings. Follow that with the fact the 2 of the top 10 grocery items were cigarettes (some of the other items included processed cheese and soda). I don't really think I grew up that much differently than the rest of the world, but I have always believed in proper nutrition. Believed in being the operative words here. I didn't end up going to weight watchers because I was eating a perfect diet. But I knew that upon receiving my diagnosis, nutrition was going to factor quite heavily into my survival. I have no plans on shaking up my world and going crazy with it. I believe that moderation is the key to success. Especially for me. If I did nothing but juice, eat raw foods and work out, the pendulum would eventually swing, knocking me into the nearest Mexican restaurant where the binge would begin. Later Ken would find me moaning under pizza delivery boxes and tubs of Popeye's fried chicken and the process would have to start all over again. Better not to take that route.
Our insurance is thru Kaiser, which I love. They are a very proactive company. Work to help people get healthy thru quiting smoking, exercise and nutrition. My question to them, is where is all of that when someone actually gets a disease, especially one as serious as cancer? Now it feels that we are left alone to figure this out (or not, as I am sure so many people end up doing. My doctor didn't say anything about nutrition and cancer so why should I worry?) Thank God, that I had an amazing group of people step up with information and advice from the very beginning. I had know people who's story with cancer I'd never heard until my diagnosis and have had others introduced to me. I call them my "Survival Team". (and a little teaser here, I have talked to some of them about contributing to this blog. Their storey's have touched and guided me and I can't wait to share them with everyone).
We are all here on this planet just trying to figure it out. In times of health or disease, we go on the best way we can. The thing here is that the times of disease remind you that you need to get it figured out as soon as possible or miss out on the health. So I read, study, Google search, pray and most of all get by with a little help from my friends!
Friday, February 25, 2011
What else do you want?
Cancer is brutal! We all know that although we don't know why unless we have had a personal experience with the big C or someone close to us has. Baring witness or living thru it is the only way to truly understand what it is. The physical pain, the emotional pain. Watching the concern on your loved ones face mirror back your own fears. Most of the time you can't believe that this is really happening to you. One doctors appointment after another each coming with a new set of concerns. How is that for a lead in for today?
I think I've mentioned it before, but this morning I had to drive up to UCLA Medical Center to see the "cancer" dentist. As I am learning there are dental concerns for radiation/chemotherapy patients. My last doctor mentioned that they usually have to pull some teeth which really set me off (and prompted me to post the following on facebook:
I think I've mentioned it before, but this morning I had to drive up to UCLA Medical Center to see the "cancer" dentist. As I am learning there are dental concerns for radiation/chemotherapy patients. My last doctor mentioned that they usually have to pull some teeth which really set me off (and prompted me to post the following on facebook:
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