How Did This Happen?

We pray, we watch our diets, we do as we're instructed by our doctors, all in order to regain our precious health. As it returns, however, it is not uncommon for those of us recovering from any disease, to reclaim our human-ness. We forget to pray, or meditate one day and then the next. The piles of green vegetables that we have been eating go bad in our refrigerators, while we snack instead on taquitos and sweets. I walked the dogs, that should be enough exercise pops into our heads. In short we grab for the lives we once lived. I'm human and fallible. We need to remember, though, that we are human and fragile. I know first hand how easy it is to loose the connection to God, to forget daily prayers and the connection with the divine. I lived that way for years. I also, in spite of a base diet that is very healthy managed to snack on junk food. I never met a taco, I didn't love, or a beignet for that matter!

So here I have been these last several months focusing on my return to health. An amazing partner at my side, reading and studying all he can about cancer and diet so that we can live without my having a repeat episode. His badgering me with "really? Is that cancer killing ice cream?" And me just wanting to live. My taste buds have come back and ironically my sense of smell is even more sensitive than prior to the cancer and with that comes and even improved sense of taste. I stopped juicing, on a daily basis, and started visiting my local taco shop more often. In fact I started eating out a lot and stopped cooking at home. My salt intake soared. In the mornings I would wake up and my face and tongue would be swollen and  restricted. I stopped practicing my vocal exercises on a daily basis. (ok, I was never good about doing them daily, but I somehow stopped all together).

Suddenly, I was watching my body change. How could I be 150 and look fat? Then it was 155 still looking fat. Had I lost that much muscle? Prior to my cancer, I had trimmed down from 170 something to 155 and was looking good. I gained some weight prior to surgery because I was warned that I would loose approximately 15 lbs while undergoing radiation. When all was said and done, I finished my radiation at 140 lbs. Since that day I have slowly watched pound by pound my weight creep up and up. Motivated by an annual trip, I realized that I had to do something. I had to get back on my healthy eating plan. I had to accept that I was human and pretty much the same human that I was prior to cancer. I had to go within and find the strength and motivation. Like so many of us who have had to battle their weight, there is also an underlying factor. We need to do it in order to regain our maximum health. For those of us battling and surviving cancer there is also a much greater need to do it, we have to prevent the cancer from returning. You would think this last reason alone would be enough to keep all of us survivors on the straight and narrow, but it's not.

So what happens? Do we just give up? No! We start to live! Life is amazing. It feels good. Indulging feels good. We forget how good the perfect weight feels on our bones. Just like forgetting to say our prayers. Yet we find that remembering to say our prayers, to stay connected directs us to wanting to stay healthy. It just feels better. I started my healthy eating plan and in just a few days, I had the energy I had prior to cancer. I have been a white tornado around the house. Just a few minutes of meditation and some good food, can surprise you. I suddenly have enough time in the day to do what I need to do and want to do and what Ken wants me to do. Will I hit my goal weight and revert to my bad habits? I'd like to think not, but the reality is that is an option. Just as loosing our connection with God is an option. It just isn't the best option and one that we can control. So I have to set up reminders, have stricter guidelines of how much weigh gain is acceptable (the number is not 20 lbs!). Most of all, I need to remember how wonderful it feels to live fully. No food or diversion can ever take the place of that. I just have to remember. I just have to listen to the people in my life who remind me of that. Say, wasn't it not listening that got me here in the first place?