It is a known fact that Radiation is accumlative, so when you finish your radiation treatments there could be more suprisise in store. For me that has been somewhat true. My tongue is more swollen and I seem to have additional mouth sores. The nurse at the radiation center really helped start getting my neck cleaned up so the pain from the burn isn't as bad as it was. She also bandaged it allowing me to sleep on my side. That was a huge blessing because to heal you have to sleep! So after the treatments my job right now is to sleep as much as I can, eat as much as I can, and drink as much water and juice as I can.
I am defiantly winning the sleep category. If you have ever not been able to sleep for even a short while you can imagine that after not really getting a good nights sleep for a month that I was ready. It almost seemed as if my body knew when my therapy was over and said OK, now off to bed with you! I slept over 13 hours got up went to a doctors appointment and came back home and went to bed for another four hours! I have repeated pretty much the same today without the doctor.
My dear friend, Coral had sent a note on facebook saying that I needed to sleep and I keep wondering if she also said a strong prayer to back it up for me. All I know is as soon as I am done typing here I am going to go back to sleep! More later when I finally feel rested.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
This isn't a race
That was the advice from one of my best friends when she found out I wasn't taking pain killers. What she actually said was "This isn't a race, you don't need to impress anybody". I realized that she was right. I believe that almost all medicine is toxic and shouldn't be used long term. I hit me though that there is nothing on the market as toxic as the radiation treatments that I have been undergoing and taking something to ease the pain so I could make it thru the next few days or week so I can start my recovery is nothing to be ashamed of. So I asked for and received a prescription to vicodin. I opened the bottle before getting back on the shuttle to Long Beach and took two. By the time Ken picked me up I was still in pain but somehow the edge was off of it. I was able to go home and juice some vegetables for some shakes. Actually played with my poor dogs who must think that I've been mad at them and even walked several blocks to the mail box.
It seems that I had my head shoved up my butt! I have been so focused on being healthy that I have allowed myself to be in such pain that I can't sleep. Not good. And thinking about what my friend, Theresa, had said, I realized just how right she was. From day one I knew that I was going to survive. The thing is that somewhere my ego got involved and it became about surviving the "right way". Really? is there a right or wrong way to survive? Isn't the point to survive? I know several people who are survivors and don't eat the healthiest of diets. I know some that continue to drink. Heck, even Lance Armstrong is doing lite beer commercials (which, sorry, I still think is just plain wrong, but who the hell am I to judge) Where along this path did I become so invested in survival "my way"? It started off that I was planning on surviving and then bam now I had a way to do it. Funny thing is I don't know what that would be and if I really did, I think that I would have been smart enough to cut down on the side effects, if part of my survival plan was to not take an occasional pain killer (OK, I will say that my ultimate survival plan does not include me getting addicted to pain killers). So two more days of treatments left. I'm burnt, I can barley speak. So what! I am surviving. I am doing just what is necessary to make it thru each part of the process.
And speaking of process, the next wave begins this week. My acupuncturist is putting me on a radiation detox and working to clear the side effects. Once thru that, I have to start experimenting with diet to keep my PH level at a 7. How I'm going to achieve that I don't have a clue. All I can say is thank God almost all of my favorite foods are on the alkaline side. Where I am afraid of getting side tracked is my love of A. Mexican Food and B. My love of Southern Foods. I think my house is going to become a test kitchen for awhile. And then there is the matter of starting a sustainable exercise routine. Walking is clearly not enough so I am going to have to find something I like and can stick with. And most importantly achieve all of the above without alienating friends and family. No one is going to be coming over for Tofu surprise followed by a heartfelt documentary on meditation. I will say that I like tofu, but the night I just mentioned sounds like an evening in hell. I want our house to be filled with laughter and love. With friends and family. So over the next 18 months we will be figuring out how to achieve optimum health that works with optimum love and fun. I like that idea!
It seems that I had my head shoved up my butt! I have been so focused on being healthy that I have allowed myself to be in such pain that I can't sleep. Not good. And thinking about what my friend, Theresa, had said, I realized just how right she was. From day one I knew that I was going to survive. The thing is that somewhere my ego got involved and it became about surviving the "right way". Really? is there a right or wrong way to survive? Isn't the point to survive? I know several people who are survivors and don't eat the healthiest of diets. I know some that continue to drink. Heck, even Lance Armstrong is doing lite beer commercials (which, sorry, I still think is just plain wrong, but who the hell am I to judge) Where along this path did I become so invested in survival "my way"? It started off that I was planning on surviving and then bam now I had a way to do it. Funny thing is I don't know what that would be and if I really did, I think that I would have been smart enough to cut down on the side effects, if part of my survival plan was to not take an occasional pain killer (OK, I will say that my ultimate survival plan does not include me getting addicted to pain killers). So two more days of treatments left. I'm burnt, I can barley speak. So what! I am surviving. I am doing just what is necessary to make it thru each part of the process.
And speaking of process, the next wave begins this week. My acupuncturist is putting me on a radiation detox and working to clear the side effects. Once thru that, I have to start experimenting with diet to keep my PH level at a 7. How I'm going to achieve that I don't have a clue. All I can say is thank God almost all of my favorite foods are on the alkaline side. Where I am afraid of getting side tracked is my love of A. Mexican Food and B. My love of Southern Foods. I think my house is going to become a test kitchen for awhile. And then there is the matter of starting a sustainable exercise routine. Walking is clearly not enough so I am going to have to find something I like and can stick with. And most importantly achieve all of the above without alienating friends and family. No one is going to be coming over for Tofu surprise followed by a heartfelt documentary on meditation. I will say that I like tofu, but the night I just mentioned sounds like an evening in hell. I want our house to be filled with laughter and love. With friends and family. So over the next 18 months we will be figuring out how to achieve optimum health that works with optimum love and fun. I like that idea!
Oh the pain of it all!
Yesterday, Easter Sunday, was not an easy day in our household. I woke up to Ken making me a "cooling juice" (cooling in the Chinese sense of the word. Some foods heat, others cool and during radiation it is important to cool) I drank it down and took a shower. Ken had made the next course of juices. This one I could not drink and that is where the day turned gray. I know he is acting out, out of concern for me. He wants me to get back to perfect health as quickly as possible. I get it. But right now, I'm burnt, I have a swollen tongue and blisters in my mouth. I FEEL LIKE CRAP! He continues to give me the silent treatment form most of the day. It sucks. I love Easter. It is in fact my very favorite holiday! I'm pissed off that I feel this way and I am missing one of my favorite days of the year. I'm upset that Ken is so upset. I want him to be OK.
I keep telling myself just 3 more sessions to go. The reality is though, after I complete those three sessions, it isn't like I'm going to spring off of the table and be OK. I'm so burnt I can barley move my head. My tongue is so swollen that I can barley speak. There are sores in my mouth that prevent me from even drinking water without a great deal of prep. I can't believe that my usual cheerful attitude seems to be gone. I've prayed and meditated (well attempted. The pain seems to keep me trapped in my body). I haven't taken a pain killer during this entire experience and now I find myself wanting something strong! I feel pitiful and weak and it sucks. Just 3 more days until the cause stops I now tell myself. I can work with that. If I can manage my pain and drink cooling juices and water I can heal. I know the acupuncture will help and I will heal. By Monday of next week I will have begun to feel better. I will heal.
I know know why when I asked a good friend to tell me her experience, that she could not. She did not want to think back about it and now, knowing what I know today a feel bad that I ever asked. I understand why the doctors don't tell you all of this. Who in their right mind would allow themselves to be tormented. I am already saying that if I had it all to do over again, there is no way I would have done radiation. I would have just followed a careful diet and worked for the best result possible. I have to remind myself that I am saying this when my pain level is reaching and occasionally exceeding the level of 8. Ask me again in 5 years when I am cancer free if it was all worth while and I may have a different song to sing. One thing is for certain. Never again will cancer rob me of an Easter! I am already creating the menu for next year! 3 days until the source of pain is gone. Every day not under the radiation is a day that I can heal.
I keep thinking about Dr.Smith on "Lost in Space" yelling out his nelle "oh the pain, the pain of it all" It brings a smile to my face. In a few weeks I'll have Ken, no longer so worried, telling me what a drama queen I've been. We will both laugh but the memory will stay on in the backs of both of our minds. I understand now the light that is on in my survivors eyes. We all know the saying "That that does not kill me makes me stronger". The light in the eyes comes when you realize that it is not being just stronger. It comes when you realize that you are strong enough!
I keep telling myself just 3 more sessions to go. The reality is though, after I complete those three sessions, it isn't like I'm going to spring off of the table and be OK. I'm so burnt I can barley move my head. My tongue is so swollen that I can barley speak. There are sores in my mouth that prevent me from even drinking water without a great deal of prep. I can't believe that my usual cheerful attitude seems to be gone. I've prayed and meditated (well attempted. The pain seems to keep me trapped in my body). I haven't taken a pain killer during this entire experience and now I find myself wanting something strong! I feel pitiful and weak and it sucks. Just 3 more days until the cause stops I now tell myself. I can work with that. If I can manage my pain and drink cooling juices and water I can heal. I know the acupuncture will help and I will heal. By Monday of next week I will have begun to feel better. I will heal.
I know know why when I asked a good friend to tell me her experience, that she could not. She did not want to think back about it and now, knowing what I know today a feel bad that I ever asked. I understand why the doctors don't tell you all of this. Who in their right mind would allow themselves to be tormented. I am already saying that if I had it all to do over again, there is no way I would have done radiation. I would have just followed a careful diet and worked for the best result possible. I have to remind myself that I am saying this when my pain level is reaching and occasionally exceeding the level of 8. Ask me again in 5 years when I am cancer free if it was all worth while and I may have a different song to sing. One thing is for certain. Never again will cancer rob me of an Easter! I am already creating the menu for next year! 3 days until the source of pain is gone. Every day not under the radiation is a day that I can heal.
I keep thinking about Dr.Smith on "Lost in Space" yelling out his nelle "oh the pain, the pain of it all" It brings a smile to my face. In a few weeks I'll have Ken, no longer so worried, telling me what a drama queen I've been. We will both laugh but the memory will stay on in the backs of both of our minds. I understand now the light that is on in my survivors eyes. We all know the saying "That that does not kill me makes me stronger". The light in the eyes comes when you realize that it is not being just stronger. It comes when you realize that you are strong enough!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Capable
Learning about our humanity is a lesson in how capable we really are. We have all seen someone with an amputation and though, I could never be that strong. Yet when it comes our turn, faced with all of the information laid out we would all most likely make the decision to have the amputation. I didn't realize that until I started radiation. The first half of my treatments weren't too bad. My doctor was surprised by my progress and lack of side effects. The possible list includes:
Diarrhea
Hair loss in the treatment area
Mouth problems (including dry mouth which could be permanent, blistering, thick mucous on tongue, trouble swallowing, thickening of the throat tissue
loss of appetite and thirst
Nausea and vomiting
Sexual changes
Swelling
Urinary and bladder changes
And most commonly: burns. ranging from 1st to 3rd degree.
As of 1/2 way thru I was not suffering at all. I was still eating although I had some blistering to my mouth so it was a bit difficult. Then after my second round of chemo (which boosts the radiation) boom! The list fell into my lap. I am considered lucky because I don;t have Nausea and vomiting or Urinary and bladder changes or diarrhea. I think I would trade the 2nd degree burns for a little diarrhea. And as far a sexual changes go who the hell wants to have sex while they are burnt to a crisp? How would I know if I were having sexual changes? Do some people actually go thru radiation and then go home and get a piece? I can't imagine it. From looking around I also know that my burns could be worse. I have seen a lot of blackened skin and dark purple skin in the waiting room. I am amazed by the grace and dignity of the ladies on my bus. They talk about the burns to their breasts and now that my neck is a mess I can relate to them. The difference is that they are so dignified and resolved. I am not. I'm in pain and I want something done about it now! Except taking pain killers that is. I can't see any reason to introduce more toxins into my body not to mention that I hate the way I feel when I'm on something.
What I have learned this week is how capable I am. Even in great pain you realize that you have to stay well nourished and hydrated. It will help with the overall healing and since I only have four more treatments to go it will help with the healing afterwards. From the blistering in my mouth it is difficult to eat and drink, but I have created a system to do so. I rinse my mouth multiple times with baking soda to get the thick mucous off of my tongue. Then spray my mouth down with chloraseptic then drink my meal (I'm back on liquids and soups). Depending on how large my meal is I may have to stop and to the cleaning all over again in order to finish. I do manage to finish though. To drink water, I take a teaspoon of honey and swish it around my mouth and then drink as much as I can as quickly as I can. I have to do this several times a day, but it is good because I need to drink a minimum of 3 liters of water a day and the honey helps keep the weight on.
First let me say I was not trained to do any of this. My survivors gave me tips from time to time. I researched the web but more that anything I just did what made sense at the time. If it worked I adopted it and if no tried something else. I am at the end of my treatments. I know I will get thru it. I know that there will be a period of healing afterwards. I won't bounce out of bed next Thursday and want to go jogging. I can't say with even a few more sessions in front of me that the worst of over. But I do know this: in terms of trying to figure out what to do and how to take care of myself the worst is over! I still wouldn't say that I am an expert at this. I'm just a guy who got cancer. I may never know the reason but I sure as heck know the outcome. I am strong! I am a survivor!
Urinary and bladder changes
And most commonly: burns. ranging from 1st to 3rd degree.
As of 1/2 way thru I was not suffering at all. I was still eating although I had some blistering to my mouth so it was a bit difficult. Then after my second round of chemo (which boosts the radiation) boom! The list fell into my lap. I am considered lucky because I don;t have Nausea and vomiting or Urinary and bladder changes or diarrhea. I think I would trade the 2nd degree burns for a little diarrhea. And as far a sexual changes go who the hell wants to have sex while they are burnt to a crisp? How would I know if I were having sexual changes? Do some people actually go thru radiation and then go home and get a piece? I can't imagine it. From looking around I also know that my burns could be worse. I have seen a lot of blackened skin and dark purple skin in the waiting room. I am amazed by the grace and dignity of the ladies on my bus. They talk about the burns to their breasts and now that my neck is a mess I can relate to them. The difference is that they are so dignified and resolved. I am not. I'm in pain and I want something done about it now! Except taking pain killers that is. I can't see any reason to introduce more toxins into my body not to mention that I hate the way I feel when I'm on something.
What I have learned this week is how capable I am. Even in great pain you realize that you have to stay well nourished and hydrated. It will help with the overall healing and since I only have four more treatments to go it will help with the healing afterwards. From the blistering in my mouth it is difficult to eat and drink, but I have created a system to do so. I rinse my mouth multiple times with baking soda to get the thick mucous off of my tongue. Then spray my mouth down with chloraseptic then drink my meal (I'm back on liquids and soups). Depending on how large my meal is I may have to stop and to the cleaning all over again in order to finish. I do manage to finish though. To drink water, I take a teaspoon of honey and swish it around my mouth and then drink as much as I can as quickly as I can. I have to do this several times a day, but it is good because I need to drink a minimum of 3 liters of water a day and the honey helps keep the weight on.
First let me say I was not trained to do any of this. My survivors gave me tips from time to time. I researched the web but more that anything I just did what made sense at the time. If it worked I adopted it and if no tried something else. I am at the end of my treatments. I know I will get thru it. I know that there will be a period of healing afterwards. I won't bounce out of bed next Thursday and want to go jogging. I can't say with even a few more sessions in front of me that the worst of over. But I do know this: in terms of trying to figure out what to do and how to take care of myself the worst is over! I still wouldn't say that I am an expert at this. I'm just a guy who got cancer. I may never know the reason but I sure as heck know the outcome. I am strong! I am a survivor!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Betrayal of the Flesh
In every cancer patients healing comes a time when you feel betrayed by your body. That time, for me, came a couple of days ago. I was pushing thru the radiation and starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With just 7 more sessions to go I feel like my neck has been french fried. Scabs are starting to form and my skin although it looks like an old boot feels as fragile as antique silk. Additionally my tongue is swollen more than normal. In doing self diagnosis the problem seem obvious. I need more water. I need to hydrate more. Right now it's easier said than done. Did I fail to bring up the blisters in the mouth? OK. I need more fluids to help this. I also decided that I should do more research and see what I could find that might help my skin.
I discovered a product called RADX. It was created by a woman who works for a skin care company doing tanning products for her brother when he was undergoing some 36 radiation treatments. She took a product made for jellyfish sings and added some other ingredients to it and viola! RADX. Apparently it works so well that it was adopted by a major cancer center in Houston. I've ordered some (overnight) and all I can say is we'll see. Another frustration for cancer patients is the amount of research we have to do. You would think by now that there would be the "go to" in house for all of this. Instead you get it in pieces. I was informed by a doctor last week that my plan while it doesn't pay for acupuncture, does have a listing of acupuncturists that will work on a discount basis. (I love my acupuncturist and don't need it now, but thanks for telling me when I have two weeks to go!) Aside from feeling angry, you do start to feel empowered at some point. Had I not of found the website on honey treatment, the sores in my mouth would have been worse. I love telling doctors about it and giving them the link in hope that they might help someone in the future. My partner has read more than his fair share of books on foods and natural products to help with cancer as well. Our home feel like somewhat of a cottage industry looking up and finding alternative treatments for cancer or to help the side effects of cancer treatment.
But as long as I am being honest with myself the biggest reminder here is that I am not my body. My body is doing what a body does. There is no betrayal. I am reminded that radiation is strong because it has to be. So in thinking of the body, mind and spirit connection, my body is "out" on this round so the strength has to come from my mind (what can I do?) and spirit (praying and meditating). There are 7 more treatments to go. Of course I'll make it thru. Then I'll deal with healing my body from this aggressive treatment. It won't always be a walk in the park, but it is necessary. Once again, I am glad that I am surrounded by my wonderful family and friends and my very special team of survivors. Knowing that you are not alone in this makes it easier at every level.
I discovered a product called RADX. It was created by a woman who works for a skin care company doing tanning products for her brother when he was undergoing some 36 radiation treatments. She took a product made for jellyfish sings and added some other ingredients to it and viola! RADX. Apparently it works so well that it was adopted by a major cancer center in Houston. I've ordered some (overnight) and all I can say is we'll see. Another frustration for cancer patients is the amount of research we have to do. You would think by now that there would be the "go to" in house for all of this. Instead you get it in pieces. I was informed by a doctor last week that my plan while it doesn't pay for acupuncture, does have a listing of acupuncturists that will work on a discount basis. (I love my acupuncturist and don't need it now, but thanks for telling me when I have two weeks to go!) Aside from feeling angry, you do start to feel empowered at some point. Had I not of found the website on honey treatment, the sores in my mouth would have been worse. I love telling doctors about it and giving them the link in hope that they might help someone in the future. My partner has read more than his fair share of books on foods and natural products to help with cancer as well. Our home feel like somewhat of a cottage industry looking up and finding alternative treatments for cancer or to help the side effects of cancer treatment.
But as long as I am being honest with myself the biggest reminder here is that I am not my body. My body is doing what a body does. There is no betrayal. I am reminded that radiation is strong because it has to be. So in thinking of the body, mind and spirit connection, my body is "out" on this round so the strength has to come from my mind (what can I do?) and spirit (praying and meditating). There are 7 more treatments to go. Of course I'll make it thru. Then I'll deal with healing my body from this aggressive treatment. It won't always be a walk in the park, but it is necessary. Once again, I am glad that I am surrounded by my wonderful family and friends and my very special team of survivors. Knowing that you are not alone in this makes it easier at every level.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
out of steam
Yesterday I completed my 22nd session of radiation. I am a little burnt on my face and neck. Have some blisters in my mouth that are actually getting better and lost a little bit of hair on the back of my head/some facial hair. Not bad! The doctors are all surprised by how well I'm doing which is great to hear. They always have sort of a shocked look which really makes me wonder how bad it usually is. I haven't seen too many people at radiation that are getting treated for head and neck so usually I'm only talking to the girls about their boobs.
Today was supposed to be an exciting day. We are both off and decided to work on our garden. We got up and went out and stared raking, hoeing and other garden stuff then it was off to Home Depot to grab dirt, binder board and a few herbs. And then it hit. I was done! Out of steam. I found a place in the shade and just stood feeling stupid. I'm out walking every day. How could just a bit of hoeing knock me out? I know that radiation and chemo can make you tired, but I really haven't felt that "I can't go on" feeling yet. It didn't help that I then started getting emotional. Poor Ken! Try picturing my butch hubby lugging dirt around Home Depot and trying to console me. It really was something out of a sad film. And if you know me, I'm about comedy! I am not a sad film kind of guy. I pride myself on being funny and upbeat. Tired and weepy isn't funny. Once again, I am funny! (well in truth I crack myself up).
The bottom line though is I am doing pretty good. Taking where I started off, thru surgery, thru healing into chemo and radiation, the truth is I deserve to give myself a break. So I got tired. Ken will get the tomatoes planted and life in all of its forms will go on. In the mean time the dogs are in heaven laying on my lap on the couch. Sometimes it's not what getting what you want, it's how you deal with what you got!
Today was supposed to be an exciting day. We are both off and decided to work on our garden. We got up and went out and stared raking, hoeing and other garden stuff then it was off to Home Depot to grab dirt, binder board and a few herbs. And then it hit. I was done! Out of steam. I found a place in the shade and just stood feeling stupid. I'm out walking every day. How could just a bit of hoeing knock me out? I know that radiation and chemo can make you tired, but I really haven't felt that "I can't go on" feeling yet. It didn't help that I then started getting emotional. Poor Ken! Try picturing my butch hubby lugging dirt around Home Depot and trying to console me. It really was something out of a sad film. And if you know me, I'm about comedy! I am not a sad film kind of guy. I pride myself on being funny and upbeat. Tired and weepy isn't funny. Once again, I am funny! (well in truth I crack myself up).
The bottom line though is I am doing pretty good. Taking where I started off, thru surgery, thru healing into chemo and radiation, the truth is I deserve to give myself a break. So I got tired. Ken will get the tomatoes planted and life in all of its forms will go on. In the mean time the dogs are in heaven laying on my lap on the couch. Sometimes it's not what getting what you want, it's how you deal with what you got!
Friday, April 15, 2011
What are we fighting for?
It seems that every time you turn on the news these days (and it has been that way for quite some time) you see reports of war. It has been years since the United States go involved in the Middle East and yet it seems that things are really no better (depending on who you choose to listen to). The same could be said for cancer. People just keep getting diagnosed. And when we do what are we told? To Fight! To win! To survive! This is not a war. I see it quite clearly now from where I sit, that the way to live is to make peace with yourself. To make peace within yourself. Violently trying to heal yourself really makes no sense. Loving yourself back to life; back to want life does. I keep thinking about this because I wonder if it is a universal truth. If there were no war, but peaceful solutions would we be happier? Probably. Healthier? Most defiantly! So why is it that we seem to crave war even within ourselves?
Some would suggest that it is human nature. I, for one, think that it is the first symptom of not being connected to the Divine. Think about it. When you have felt connected, have you ever felt violent? I know that I haven't. In fact the past several months in spite of what my body has been experiencing I have been very much at peace. I think that that is one of the reasons that I am so certain that I am already cancer free and will remain that way. Not to say that I don't have a long road ahead of me. The most important thing I have to do is stay on track in body, mind and spirt. I know from previous life experiences that it is all to easy to get lost. Also, having ADD it is all to easy to see something shiny and be on a whole new street in seconds. Even more reason why prayer and meditation are so important.
I don't have the answers. I look and see a violence in the present and past all over the world. I think about the holy wars and the Inquisition and other events that were supposedly blessed by God. I think of the beginnings of our country and see the murder of millions of American Indians and the enslavement of just as many if not more Black Africans. Those events were supposedly deemed OK by God or the church. I wonder if we treated every major situation like it was our own cancer, how we would deal with things? Would we really go out with guns blasting or would we apply the greatest bit of logic and most up to date information of how to excise the tumor and do follow up treatments? I think one thing is sure when you are at peace, your thoughts tend to be of a peaceful nature. You tend to want to help. Want to give love and feel love. I can see why after all of these years I never really appreciated the peace movement. I was too busy fighting my own wars. Trying to get ahead. I was not at peace or peaceful. I complained and maligned people all of the time. Had I of known that it would take cancer to put me back on track, I wonder then if I would have sought peace or if I would have been like the many smokers I see, who know they are playing Russian roulette with their health? I hate to say it but probably the latter. And now I know.
Some would suggest that it is human nature. I, for one, think that it is the first symptom of not being connected to the Divine. Think about it. When you have felt connected, have you ever felt violent? I know that I haven't. In fact the past several months in spite of what my body has been experiencing I have been very much at peace. I think that that is one of the reasons that I am so certain that I am already cancer free and will remain that way. Not to say that I don't have a long road ahead of me. The most important thing I have to do is stay on track in body, mind and spirt. I know from previous life experiences that it is all to easy to get lost. Also, having ADD it is all to easy to see something shiny and be on a whole new street in seconds. Even more reason why prayer and meditation are so important.
I don't have the answers. I look and see a violence in the present and past all over the world. I think about the holy wars and the Inquisition and other events that were supposedly blessed by God. I think of the beginnings of our country and see the murder of millions of American Indians and the enslavement of just as many if not more Black Africans. Those events were supposedly deemed OK by God or the church. I wonder if we treated every major situation like it was our own cancer, how we would deal with things? Would we really go out with guns blasting or would we apply the greatest bit of logic and most up to date information of how to excise the tumor and do follow up treatments? I think one thing is sure when you are at peace, your thoughts tend to be of a peaceful nature. You tend to want to help. Want to give love and feel love. I can see why after all of these years I never really appreciated the peace movement. I was too busy fighting my own wars. Trying to get ahead. I was not at peace or peaceful. I complained and maligned people all of the time. Had I of known that it would take cancer to put me back on track, I wonder then if I would have sought peace or if I would have been like the many smokers I see, who know they are playing Russian roulette with their health? I hate to say it but probably the latter. And now I know.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Battle Scars
People hide from cancer for different reasons. One of the best that I have ever heard is a friend of my was fired because of her diagnosis and continues to keep it a secret. I can't blame her and if I were in her position would do exactly the same thing. That being said it infuriates me that she has to do that. That anyone would have to do that! I am fortunate to work for a great company that has been very supportive so my job is waiting for me (and the truth is I am just counting the days until I can get back to being a providing member of my household!) All that being said, The people that I have met on this journey who are not afraid to show their battle scars are the ones that I have learned the most from. Perhaps because my cancer is oral and my scars are pretty much front and center, for me to hid them requires wearing a scarf (not so bad in the cold, but in the heat? get real!) and long sleeves to hide my skin graft (same comment). I have been wearing regular tee's that cover my trachea scar, but really prefer to wear v-necks and by summer will be back in them.
We all hide for different reasons, but the thing that I have learned personally on my journey is that it was when I didn't hide that: I found answers. I found friends. I found love. I found peace. Just the simple act of speaking the truth has opened doors in both directions. My relationship with my sisters while not perfect has never been better. My relationship with Ken has never been better. The people who showed up to reveal that they had run this race before me and would be with me the entire distance have continued to astound me with their wit and wisdom. So no, I guess that even given the chance I would not choose to hide the fact that I have/had cancer (They removed the tumor and I'm almost done with radiation, so I am now assuming that the little bastards that had spread are pretty much cooked by now). My life is richer and better on every level. I also have not desire to hide the fact that I had cancer after all of this is over. I'm not saying that I am going to spend all of my free time volunteering for the cancer foundation. What I am saying is that I am going to be open and honest and put myself out there. Someone at some point in time will need to hear what I have gone thru and I can give them strength for the journey that they are on.
Most importantly, as I have said a number of times, I am not going to die of cancer! This "bump in the road" may have slowed me down long enough for me to get back on the right road, but it has not, will not kill my will to live. I now have plans for the future that I didn't before. I am no longer afraid of the future as I was before. I no longer question my relationship like I did before. And for me that is the beginning ingredients for success! So why would I want to hide my battle scars? Each one of them is a reminder of the day that I finally allowed myself to listen to God! I will show them with pride, knowing that along the way, I learned to love and be loved and most importantly for me that I learned to listen.
We all hide for different reasons, but the thing that I have learned personally on my journey is that it was when I didn't hide that: I found answers. I found friends. I found love. I found peace. Just the simple act of speaking the truth has opened doors in both directions. My relationship with my sisters while not perfect has never been better. My relationship with Ken has never been better. The people who showed up to reveal that they had run this race before me and would be with me the entire distance have continued to astound me with their wit and wisdom. So no, I guess that even given the chance I would not choose to hide the fact that I have/had cancer (They removed the tumor and I'm almost done with radiation, so I am now assuming that the little bastards that had spread are pretty much cooked by now). My life is richer and better on every level. I also have not desire to hide the fact that I had cancer after all of this is over. I'm not saying that I am going to spend all of my free time volunteering for the cancer foundation. What I am saying is that I am going to be open and honest and put myself out there. Someone at some point in time will need to hear what I have gone thru and I can give them strength for the journey that they are on.
Most importantly, as I have said a number of times, I am not going to die of cancer! This "bump in the road" may have slowed me down long enough for me to get back on the right road, but it has not, will not kill my will to live. I now have plans for the future that I didn't before. I am no longer afraid of the future as I was before. I no longer question my relationship like I did before. And for me that is the beginning ingredients for success! So why would I want to hide my battle scars? Each one of them is a reminder of the day that I finally allowed myself to listen to God! I will show them with pride, knowing that along the way, I learned to love and be loved and most importantly for me that I learned to listen.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Short and sweet
I am just putting in a quick update today. Thanks to acupuncture and herbs and prayer and how knows what else, I am improving! The sores in my mouth are much better with the exception of the newest on in the back of my throat. It makes it difficult to eat so I am back on liquids for the most part. I have been able to eat omelets.
The thing here is that in spite of my current condition, I am very aware that the worst is most likely behind me. I have 13 more radiation treatments. I have not turned to a burnt crisp as predicted, although I do look like I fell asleep in the sun with a towel over the top of my face. I am defiantly a brighter color from the nose down. It strikes me as sort of ironic, though. I had never in my life been able to get my neck to tan and here it is with color. I don't however recommend this as a way to achieve the perfect tan!
One thing that keeps me aware of end of treatment is watching my fellow members on the bus. Every day there is someone passing out cookies to celebrate there last day of treatment. It has the feel of a right of passage and indeed it is. We patients have held our heads up and have had the nerve to laugh in the face of fear and pain. I really feel for the women who have had their breasts burnt so badly, but yet they show up for another day and another change to live a long life. I pray for them and will continue to do so. I hope that they will become part of my survivors group that has been there for me from the start. More than anything else these days, I pray for all of the cancer patients in the world. I hope that science can find better and more effective ways of treating and eventually eradicating cancer. I know that I have grown from this journey, but how many of us are supposed to grow like this? It seems absurd, especially knowing that 10 or so years from now it will most likely come down to the discovery of a virus that can easily be treated. I am hopeful that that is the case.
The thing here is that in spite of my current condition, I am very aware that the worst is most likely behind me. I have 13 more radiation treatments. I have not turned to a burnt crisp as predicted, although I do look like I fell asleep in the sun with a towel over the top of my face. I am defiantly a brighter color from the nose down. It strikes me as sort of ironic, though. I had never in my life been able to get my neck to tan and here it is with color. I don't however recommend this as a way to achieve the perfect tan!
One thing that keeps me aware of end of treatment is watching my fellow members on the bus. Every day there is someone passing out cookies to celebrate there last day of treatment. It has the feel of a right of passage and indeed it is. We patients have held our heads up and have had the nerve to laugh in the face of fear and pain. I really feel for the women who have had their breasts burnt so badly, but yet they show up for another day and another change to live a long life. I pray for them and will continue to do so. I hope that they will become part of my survivors group that has been there for me from the start. More than anything else these days, I pray for all of the cancer patients in the world. I hope that science can find better and more effective ways of treating and eventually eradicating cancer. I know that I have grown from this journey, but how many of us are supposed to grow like this? It seems absurd, especially knowing that 10 or so years from now it will most likely come down to the discovery of a virus that can easily be treated. I am hopeful that that is the case.
Friday, April 8, 2011
January 14th
That was the last day I worked. It seems impossible that almost 3 months have gone by. I am one of those people who rarely took vacations. I always did extended weekends. 3-4 days and back to work. Looking back now, I think what a dumb ass I really was. In these 3 months, my store hasn't burnt down and thanks to a wonderful corporation behind me it is running swimmingly along. I these three months, I have learned so much about myself. Work is no longer on the top of the list. Work life balance is a term that I was familiar with but I always thought it was most companies way of pushing us out the door so that they didn't have to pay overtime. Hell, Ill fix you. I'll just work off the clock! In the end, I fixed myself! What is that old saying? All work and no play?
It has only taken me 3 months to learn that work is mearley a way of making an income. If that income is not enough than it is up to us to figure out how to get a better salary there or somewhere else. Of course it is important to have a good work ethic, but giving your life to your company is rather like trading the Hope Diamond for a glass of milk. Donn Wilson, my former boss used to tell me to build the Sistine Chapel at home! In a nut shell what he meant was that I should stop stressing and fighting things that were out of my control. It was good advice then and now. It took me until I had cancer to even consider what that message meant. When he would say it I would always picture myself with scaffolding in my living room painting murals on my ceiling and cursing as paint dripped in my eyes. Today I think of myself building the perfect life. Building a future that Ken and I both want to share in. I'm not sure how it will come to pass, but this time I am being specific with the universe (in small pieces as it comes to me). I won't make the mistake of asking for 6 months off of work again without a detailed plan of what I would be doing and believe me that that plan will not include cancer or illness of any type or any person, working on the house, or anything that actually feels like work! It will be more like my girlfriend, Carolyn. She took sabbatical and went to Rome to teach English. She of course fell in love with the perfect man while she was there, so I am not sure when I will get to see her next. Under normal circumstances, I would miss her and ache to spend time with her, but because of the fact that A: She is in Rome (one of the most beautiful cities in the world) B: in love (with a guy with abs that look like they were formed out a sheet of titanium), C: can live on real pizza, D: did I mention that she is in Rome?, and E: is helping people by teaching them language skills. What a life! I am in no way envious of her only happy! I know that my perfect life does not include living abroad (although it does include travel) and I already have the man of my dreams (OK, so he doesn't have abs of steel. He has something that is much more important! The ability to deal with me in sickness and in health and keep coming back for more. I'm not saying that I am high maintenance, but I will say that if heaven does exist, there is a special place for him! Which I'm sure will include a down stuffed easy chair, plenty of snacks and a monster TV with about 100,000 channels all with something new on!) The most important thing to me is that in my perfect life Ken is not just there he is happy and stress free!
So it's only taken me 3 months to learn what I couldn't or wouldn't in about 34 years of working. So I'm a late bloomer! I can handle that! God knows I have handled so much more and am living to tale the tale!
It has only taken me 3 months to learn that work is mearley a way of making an income. If that income is not enough than it is up to us to figure out how to get a better salary there or somewhere else. Of course it is important to have a good work ethic, but giving your life to your company is rather like trading the Hope Diamond for a glass of milk. Donn Wilson, my former boss used to tell me to build the Sistine Chapel at home! In a nut shell what he meant was that I should stop stressing and fighting things that were out of my control. It was good advice then and now. It took me until I had cancer to even consider what that message meant. When he would say it I would always picture myself with scaffolding in my living room painting murals on my ceiling and cursing as paint dripped in my eyes. Today I think of myself building the perfect life. Building a future that Ken and I both want to share in. I'm not sure how it will come to pass, but this time I am being specific with the universe (in small pieces as it comes to me). I won't make the mistake of asking for 6 months off of work again without a detailed plan of what I would be doing and believe me that that plan will not include cancer or illness of any type or any person, working on the house, or anything that actually feels like work! It will be more like my girlfriend, Carolyn. She took sabbatical and went to Rome to teach English. She of course fell in love with the perfect man while she was there, so I am not sure when I will get to see her next. Under normal circumstances, I would miss her and ache to spend time with her, but because of the fact that A: She is in Rome (one of the most beautiful cities in the world) B: in love (with a guy with abs that look like they were formed out a sheet of titanium), C: can live on real pizza, D: did I mention that she is in Rome?, and E: is helping people by teaching them language skills. What a life! I am in no way envious of her only happy! I know that my perfect life does not include living abroad (although it does include travel) and I already have the man of my dreams (OK, so he doesn't have abs of steel. He has something that is much more important! The ability to deal with me in sickness and in health and keep coming back for more. I'm not saying that I am high maintenance, but I will say that if heaven does exist, there is a special place for him! Which I'm sure will include a down stuffed easy chair, plenty of snacks and a monster TV with about 100,000 channels all with something new on!) The most important thing to me is that in my perfect life Ken is not just there he is happy and stress free!
So it's only taken me 3 months to learn what I couldn't or wouldn't in about 34 years of working. So I'm a late bloomer! I can handle that! God knows I have handled so much more and am living to tale the tale!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The voice inside of your head
“Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.”...Robert Graves
We with cancer all know pain. It exists on so many levels. It is when we are suffering sever pain though that it is hard to listen to our intuition for guidance. Yesterday I was talking with one of the members of my shuttle who seems to be having a hard time of it. First of all she informed me that she had terminal lung cancer and that she was so nauseous that she was unable to eat. You could see that pain in her eyes. As I had just gone through some pretty sever pain myself and found a way to manage it, I really wanted to see if I could help her. I asked if she had talked to her doctor. "yes", she replied, "but the medication wasn't working". "Have you asked your doctor about THC (the ingredient in pot)?" I asked. "No! I don't know how to go about asking for those things" She answered. The conversation really got to me. What is it about doctors that a woman in her 70's doesn't know how or what to ask for? Why are the doctors not listening? The first thing out of I don't know how many friends mouths to me was "Now you can get a prescription for medical marijuana" How could this poor, tired and very sick lady not know? As we talked further she said she would love to get a prescription for pot but was afraid to ask her doctor. "Just ask!" I replied.
It seems so easy for me, but two days prior, I was in intense pain from the mouth sores. I couldn't figure out what to do. My face was swollen, I felt like crap and the only thing I had to look forward to was more pain. I had no absolutely no appetite. In one particularly fearful moment I remembered the statistics that more cancer patients die of malnutrition than of the cancer. I was not about to become a statistic! I had already lost two pounds in a few days, I wasn't going to let this get to me. I got online and just kept searching. Looking for something that made sense. Finally I found something that I already knew. Rinse your mouth with baking soda and salt). I was on it. The baking soda broke down the thick mucous that was covering my mouth. It seemed to allow my salivary glands to do their job. Next, as I was still in pain, I made a trip to target and bought a generic version of Chloraseptic. It cleans and numbs the pain. It gave me the window I needed to get in some broth. I did it again and got in some green juice. I just kept at it until I was full. Finally last night I was craving red meat so I ate (yes ate) a hamburger patty.
If we allow ourselves to be trapped in our pain than that is all that there is. One thing I can say is pain will really keep you in the moment! We must transcend the pain and get to where our mind can help heal us, though. It may be easier said than done. I am looking forward to being on the bus today. I want to talk to my new friend. Even if it is only to hold her hand and give her some comfort for a bit. I bought a copy of Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Segal for her. I will be glad when it is delivered. When I was thinking why I was so much more taken by her than anyone else on the bus it came down to this. She represented herself as being terminal. Perhaps she believes that and plans on going from this treatment into her hospice to die, but I don't believe it. Maybe it is my crazy family that taught me this, but 70 is really too young to die. We should really have some more life in us at that point. I hope that I can give her hope. It is possible that she doesn't want it, though and I have to be prepared for that as well. I look around. I read and study about cancer every day. People die from the disease every day. I just don't believe that we have to. If you ask me why I'll tell you this, "The voice inside of my head told me so".
Sunday, April 3, 2011
When the Fear Creeps In
For those of us intent on surviving cancer we put a brave face forward. Maybe for some it is fake it till you make it. For others, they just know that all will be OK eventually. We have to hold onto that knowledge at all times and not loose our faith. Survivors know that their hope and faith keep them alive. The positive thoughts sent out all day long keep us alive. The treatment can be brutal, but you walk forward to your treatment room like it's nothing. Fortunately for me I have a group that is treated at the same time every day, so we sort of look after each other, when someones name comes up on the board it is not unusual to hear a cheerful "OK, Ran, you're up!" You then dutifully answer a happy "OK!" and walk from the safety of the group to the machine that is filling your body with radiation. Killing cells. Fusing tissue. It's nothing. We can handle it. We are survivors. Until the fear creeps in.
There is virtually no human body made to withstand the effects of radiation. There is a whole host of side effects that go along with it. The good news is that not everyone gets all of them. There are treatments such as acupuncture that can help alleviate some of the side effects, but even my acupuncturist has been honest with me and told me she has never seen anyone go thru radiation without some. For me the side effects have come in the form of blisters in my mouth, on my gums and tongue and more swelling of my donor tongue. Yesterday morning I could barley talk the swelling was so bad. I kept thinking of what my plastic surgeon (the one who created frankentongue) told me. "The radiation will kill many cells in the donor tongue. It will continue to shrink during your treatments. There will be so much change every week you won't be able to believe it." Funny but I somehow left that appointment thinking that my tongue would shrink so much each week, my speech would be clearer and clearer until Voila! I sounded like Ran again. He failed to mention that my tongue was going to resemble something that had been tossed onto a barbecue grill and feel like it had been marinated with a belt sander. I have another 18 days of treatments with another round of chemo that is meant to boost the radiation. So yeah, the fear has crept in. Not on the survival level. I still know that I will survive this. It's more like, do I really want to? I think of the pain that I am in and look at the senior citizens having these treatments. How the hell are they handling it? And by asking that question I figured out the answer.
Pain is but a small price to pay for love and for life. In a year I will remember the treatments and the blisters but I will not remember the level of pain. What I will remember are all of the people who stood by me. Sending me the energy to get thru this. Praying for me. Loving me. Forcing me to eat even when it hurts so bad I want to throw the bowl of miso soup across the room. The dear friends who took the time to make sugar free tapioca (which should be on the market, it is yummy) and soup. All of the love is what I will remember and take from this experience. The pain will be a distant memory. Of course that is then and this is now. I am in pain. In fact it is the worst pain in this entire process. The reality is that while the pain is present, I have to go on and eat to keep my strength up, even though I don't feel like it. I need to exercise and meditate, to talk. The part of our minds that tells us that we will be OK, that we will survive this is the same part of our mind that allows us to rise above the pain. And when that fails we can take pain killers. Spray our mouths with orogel. Most food is tasting rather odd right now anyway, no taste could only be a plus. From my survivors I am learning what to do to survive so that I can ultimately survive. In spite of the pain, I continue to be grateful. I am surviving. In less than four weeks, the treatments will come to an end. It used to seem odd to me that almost an equal amount of time will be required to heal from the radiation, but now I can understand it.
I think back to the early 90's when I was involved with a group of people doing metaphysical studies. The graduation was going to be a fire walk. I think back and wonder if I would have finished and taken the walk, If I would be here now. Would I have already known that I could do anything and my life would have stayed on track? Well when I look back on the group and remember bad marriages, drug abuse, a suicide and other crazy goings on, maybe not. In the hear and now I am doing my own fire walk. Every day brings another step closer to walking out and finding out that my mind is stronger than the heat of the coals. Of course instead of fire, we are using radiation and instead of walking I am clamped down, but the result will be the same. I will know!
There is virtually no human body made to withstand the effects of radiation. There is a whole host of side effects that go along with it. The good news is that not everyone gets all of them. There are treatments such as acupuncture that can help alleviate some of the side effects, but even my acupuncturist has been honest with me and told me she has never seen anyone go thru radiation without some. For me the side effects have come in the form of blisters in my mouth, on my gums and tongue and more swelling of my donor tongue. Yesterday morning I could barley talk the swelling was so bad. I kept thinking of what my plastic surgeon (the one who created frankentongue) told me. "The radiation will kill many cells in the donor tongue. It will continue to shrink during your treatments. There will be so much change every week you won't be able to believe it." Funny but I somehow left that appointment thinking that my tongue would shrink so much each week, my speech would be clearer and clearer until Voila! I sounded like Ran again. He failed to mention that my tongue was going to resemble something that had been tossed onto a barbecue grill and feel like it had been marinated with a belt sander. I have another 18 days of treatments with another round of chemo that is meant to boost the radiation. So yeah, the fear has crept in. Not on the survival level. I still know that I will survive this. It's more like, do I really want to? I think of the pain that I am in and look at the senior citizens having these treatments. How the hell are they handling it? And by asking that question I figured out the answer.
Pain is but a small price to pay for love and for life. In a year I will remember the treatments and the blisters but I will not remember the level of pain. What I will remember are all of the people who stood by me. Sending me the energy to get thru this. Praying for me. Loving me. Forcing me to eat even when it hurts so bad I want to throw the bowl of miso soup across the room. The dear friends who took the time to make sugar free tapioca (which should be on the market, it is yummy) and soup. All of the love is what I will remember and take from this experience. The pain will be a distant memory. Of course that is then and this is now. I am in pain. In fact it is the worst pain in this entire process. The reality is that while the pain is present, I have to go on and eat to keep my strength up, even though I don't feel like it. I need to exercise and meditate, to talk. The part of our minds that tells us that we will be OK, that we will survive this is the same part of our mind that allows us to rise above the pain. And when that fails we can take pain killers. Spray our mouths with orogel. Most food is tasting rather odd right now anyway, no taste could only be a plus. From my survivors I am learning what to do to survive so that I can ultimately survive. In spite of the pain, I continue to be grateful. I am surviving. In less than four weeks, the treatments will come to an end. It used to seem odd to me that almost an equal amount of time will be required to heal from the radiation, but now I can understand it.
I think back to the early 90's when I was involved with a group of people doing metaphysical studies. The graduation was going to be a fire walk. I think back and wonder if I would have finished and taken the walk, If I would be here now. Would I have already known that I could do anything and my life would have stayed on track? Well when I look back on the group and remember bad marriages, drug abuse, a suicide and other crazy goings on, maybe not. In the hear and now I am doing my own fire walk. Every day brings another step closer to walking out and finding out that my mind is stronger than the heat of the coals. Of course instead of fire, we are using radiation and instead of walking I am clamped down, but the result will be the same. I will know!
Friday, April 1, 2011
What was I thinking?
I ask myself that a lot lately. Because I am interested in alternative healing I wonder if I have selected the right path. Should I have had the surgery? Should I really be doing radiation and chemotherapy? The truth is that it doesn't matter at this point. Life runs forwards at all times no matter what we want. So spending time trying to think about what I have done is a huge waste of time except in one aspect: What advice would I give if someone in the same situation came to me? Would I tell them to listen to their doctor or go off on their own and try a cure that feels right for them? I had to think about this because I wasn't sure. Here is what I have come up with. I would advise that all cancer patients listen to their doctor first and foremost. Secondly get a second opinion. Even if it comes back the same it will give you another doctor to select from. Liking your doctor is KEY TO YOUR RECOVERY!
I didn't get a second opinion. I don't really feel that I needed it.(and thanks to google still wouldn't feel that I do. I have one of the best surgeons on the west coast and probably in the US). I had a brilliant surgeon on my side. I will never forget the day I met Doctor Oh. He was sloppy in his scrubs when he came into the room and seemed to be out of breath. He even sprayed hand sanitizer on himself. He flopped down and in a no nonsense way informed me what I had and what he would be doing. Of course what he would be doing was removing half of my tongue. Thank god Ken was with me there that day and was in full on "Rock Mode". I was dazed as we left his office. I had to go have a CT Scan and I still remember Ken holding me while I cried. The second visit went much better. Dr Oh was still disheveled, but this time I was armed with questions. He answered all of them and for the first time I saw that he wanted me to beat this. He wanted me to beat the odds. He didn't see me as a patient but as a human. I guess what I am saying is find a doctor who expects you to live!
As far as chemo and radiation go, I would say this. Think about the type of cancer that you have. Think about your own mental state. Are you a happy person? Do you believe that you can beat this without help. Do you see yourself living to 100? Then with the help of constant monitoring skip it but do the nutritional, emotional and spiritual work that you will need to do daily to survive. The conclusion that I finally came to was that I wanted an end date. I wanted to say that on April 27th, 2011 I am cancer free! I also chose this path for two other reasons. 1. I have ADD. I tend to flit from thing to thing. I didn't want to work on this diet then that diet, then add this on only to end up eating Mexican food all of the time. I know myself well enough to see that that is something I would do. To go the holistic route it takes a steadfastness that I do not posses. The other reason is that I do not believe that I have the support that it takes to go holistic. I was shocked and felt that Ken had turned on me when he said that he felt that if I didn't do the chemo and radiation, that I had waisted my time having the surgery to remove my tumor. The truth is that Ken is scared. He doesn't want to loose me. In fact he had done the opposite of turning on me. He protected me from myself (and who doesn't need that sometime?) The statistics and science say that radiation and chemo work better than alternative healing. Of course he is going to want me to go this route. I am also smart enough know the same thing. I thank god from my friend Coral. She is a true believer in holistics and nutrition and she had chemo and radiation. That really helped me make up my mind. It felt like one of my own had chosen this path and so should I. I would use nutrition, exercise and spirituality to heal myself and keep myself cancer free in the future. This is after all not just a cold that you drink fluids, get over it and go back to your unhealthy lifestyle until the next one hits. We cannot afford to think like that.
Yesterday I saw my brilliant surgeon Dr Oh, who was quite pleased at how I am doing. He took the time to explain that patients who have almost no side effects at this point go on to either 1) end up with several the last couple of weeks of treatment or 2)(very rare) don't have any. Right now I am voting that I only have the ones I have and leave it at that. As I have got to know him better I have to say how impressed at how open minded that he is. He is fascinated by my having acupuncture and is open to referring his patients who are interested. I even gave him a copy of Love, Medicine and Miracles which he plans on reading. He sees the face of cancer daily in his work. He knows statistics and yet when I asked him about the future he remained noting but positive. He explained what future check ups would look like, but stopped me when I asked about re-occurrence, as if that is simply not going to happen. I love his confidence. I say that because as I start to have side effects from the treatment, I have started to second guess everything. It is wonderful to be surrounded by friends, and family who are positive that I am already healed and the rest is just "what you have to go through". But to find out my doctor is on the same team? That is the greatest thing I could ask for.
I didn't get a second opinion. I don't really feel that I needed it.(and thanks to google still wouldn't feel that I do. I have one of the best surgeons on the west coast and probably in the US). I had a brilliant surgeon on my side. I will never forget the day I met Doctor Oh. He was sloppy in his scrubs when he came into the room and seemed to be out of breath. He even sprayed hand sanitizer on himself. He flopped down and in a no nonsense way informed me what I had and what he would be doing. Of course what he would be doing was removing half of my tongue. Thank god Ken was with me there that day and was in full on "Rock Mode". I was dazed as we left his office. I had to go have a CT Scan and I still remember Ken holding me while I cried. The second visit went much better. Dr Oh was still disheveled, but this time I was armed with questions. He answered all of them and for the first time I saw that he wanted me to beat this. He wanted me to beat the odds. He didn't see me as a patient but as a human. I guess what I am saying is find a doctor who expects you to live!
As far as chemo and radiation go, I would say this. Think about the type of cancer that you have. Think about your own mental state. Are you a happy person? Do you believe that you can beat this without help. Do you see yourself living to 100? Then with the help of constant monitoring skip it but do the nutritional, emotional and spiritual work that you will need to do daily to survive. The conclusion that I finally came to was that I wanted an end date. I wanted to say that on April 27th, 2011 I am cancer free! I also chose this path for two other reasons. 1. I have ADD. I tend to flit from thing to thing. I didn't want to work on this diet then that diet, then add this on only to end up eating Mexican food all of the time. I know myself well enough to see that that is something I would do. To go the holistic route it takes a steadfastness that I do not posses. The other reason is that I do not believe that I have the support that it takes to go holistic. I was shocked and felt that Ken had turned on me when he said that he felt that if I didn't do the chemo and radiation, that I had waisted my time having the surgery to remove my tumor. The truth is that Ken is scared. He doesn't want to loose me. In fact he had done the opposite of turning on me. He protected me from myself (and who doesn't need that sometime?) The statistics and science say that radiation and chemo work better than alternative healing. Of course he is going to want me to go this route. I am also smart enough know the same thing. I thank god from my friend Coral. She is a true believer in holistics and nutrition and she had chemo and radiation. That really helped me make up my mind. It felt like one of my own had chosen this path and so should I. I would use nutrition, exercise and spirituality to heal myself and keep myself cancer free in the future. This is after all not just a cold that you drink fluids, get over it and go back to your unhealthy lifestyle until the next one hits. We cannot afford to think like that.
Yesterday I saw my brilliant surgeon Dr Oh, who was quite pleased at how I am doing. He took the time to explain that patients who have almost no side effects at this point go on to either 1) end up with several the last couple of weeks of treatment or 2)(very rare) don't have any. Right now I am voting that I only have the ones I have and leave it at that. As I have got to know him better I have to say how impressed at how open minded that he is. He is fascinated by my having acupuncture and is open to referring his patients who are interested. I even gave him a copy of Love, Medicine and Miracles which he plans on reading. He sees the face of cancer daily in his work. He knows statistics and yet when I asked him about the future he remained noting but positive. He explained what future check ups would look like, but stopped me when I asked about re-occurrence, as if that is simply not going to happen. I love his confidence. I say that because as I start to have side effects from the treatment, I have started to second guess everything. It is wonderful to be surrounded by friends, and family who are positive that I am already healed and the rest is just "what you have to go through". But to find out my doctor is on the same team? That is the greatest thing I could ask for.
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