Capable

Learning about our humanity is a lesson in how capable we really are. We have all seen someone with an amputation and though, I could never be that strong. Yet when it comes our turn, faced with all of the information laid out we would all most likely make the decision to have the amputation. I didn't realize that until I started radiation. The first half of my treatments weren't too bad. My doctor was surprised by my progress and lack of side effects. The possible list includes:

Diarrhea

Hair loss in the treatment area

Mouth problems (including dry mouth which could be permanent, blistering, thick mucous on tongue, trouble swallowing, thickening of the throat tissue

loss of appetite and thirst

Nausea and vomiting

Sexual changes

                                  Swelling  

                                     Urinary and bladder changes
                                     And most commonly: burns. ranging from 1st to 3rd degree.

As of 1/2 way thru I was not suffering at all. I was still eating although I had some blistering to my mouth so it was a bit difficult. Then after my second round of chemo (which boosts the radiation) boom! The list fell into my lap. I am considered lucky because I don;t have Nausea and vomiting or Urinary and bladder changes or diarrhea. I think I would trade the 2nd degree burns for a little diarrhea. And as far a sexual changes go who the hell wants to have sex while they are burnt to a crisp? How would I know if I were having sexual changes? Do some people actually go thru radiation and then go home and get a piece? I can't imagine it. From looking around I also know that my burns could be worse. I have seen a lot of blackened skin and dark purple skin in the waiting room. I am amazed by the grace and dignity of the ladies on my bus. They talk about the burns to their breasts and now that my neck is a mess I can relate to them. The difference is that they are so dignified and resolved. I am not. I'm in pain and I want something done about it now! Except taking pain killers that is. I can't see any reason to introduce more toxins into my body not to mention that I hate the way I feel when I'm on something.

What I have learned this week is how capable I am. Even in great pain you realize that you have to stay well nourished and hydrated. It will help with the overall healing and since I only have four more treatments to go it will help with the healing afterwards. From the blistering in my mouth it is difficult to eat and drink, but I have created a system to do so. I rinse my mouth multiple times with baking soda to get the thick mucous off of my tongue. Then spray my mouth down with chloraseptic then drink my meal  (I'm back on liquids and soups). Depending on how large my meal is I may have to stop and to the cleaning all over again in order to finish. I do manage to finish though. To drink water, I take a teaspoon of honey and swish it around my mouth and then drink as much as I can as quickly as I can. I have to do this several times a day, but it is good because I need to drink a minimum of 3 liters of water a day and the honey helps keep the weight on.

First let me say I was not trained to do any of this. My survivors gave me tips from time to time. I researched the web but more that anything I just did what made sense at the time. If it worked I adopted it and if no tried something else. I am at the end of my treatments. I know I will get thru it. I know that there will be a period of healing afterwards. I won't bounce out of bed next Thursday and want to go jogging. I can't say with even a few more sessions in front of me that the worst of over. But I do know this: in terms of trying to figure out what to do and how to take care of myself the worst is over!  I still wouldn't say that I am an expert at this. I'm just a guy who got cancer. I may never know the reason but I sure as heck know the outcome. I am strong! I am a survivor!