out of steam

Yesterday I completed my 22nd session of radiation. I am a little burnt on my face and neck. Have some blisters in my mouth that are actually getting better and lost a little bit of hair on the back of my head/some facial hair. Not bad! The doctors are all surprised by how well I'm doing which is great to hear. They always have sort of a shocked look which really makes me wonder how bad it usually is. I haven't seen too many people at radiation that are getting treated for head and neck so usually I'm only talking to the girls about their boobs.

Today was supposed to be an exciting day. We are both off and decided to work on our garden. We got up and went out and stared raking, hoeing and other garden stuff then it was off to Home Depot to grab dirt, binder board and a few herbs. And then it hit. I was done! Out of steam. I found a place in the shade and just stood feeling stupid. I'm out walking every day. How could just a bit of hoeing knock me out? I know that radiation and chemo can make you tired, but I really haven't felt that "I can't go on" feeling yet. It didn't help that I then started getting emotional. Poor Ken! Try picturing my butch hubby lugging dirt around Home Depot and trying to console me. It really was something out of a sad film. And if you know me, I'm about comedy! I am not a sad film kind of guy. I pride myself on being funny and upbeat. Tired and weepy isn't funny. Once again, I am funny! (well in truth I crack myself up).

The bottom line though is I am doing pretty good. Taking where I started off, thru surgery, thru healing into chemo and radiation, the truth is I deserve to give myself a break. So I got tired. Ken will get the tomatoes planted and life in all of its forms will go on. In the mean time the dogs are in heaven laying on my lap on the couch. Sometimes it's not what getting what you want, it's how you deal with what you got!