Oh the pain of it all!

Yesterday, Easter Sunday, was not an easy day in our household. I woke up to Ken making me a "cooling juice" (cooling in the Chinese sense of the word. Some foods heat, others cool and during radiation it is important to cool) I drank it down and took a shower. Ken had made the next course of juices. This one I could not drink and that is where the day turned gray. I know he is acting out, out of concern for me. He wants me to get back to perfect health as quickly as possible. I get it. But right now, I'm burnt, I have a swollen tongue and blisters in my mouth. I FEEL LIKE CRAP! He continues to give me the silent treatment form most of the day. It sucks. I love Easter. It is in fact my very favorite holiday! I'm pissed off that I feel this way and I am missing one of my favorite days of the year. I'm upset that Ken is so upset. I want him to be OK.

I keep telling myself just 3 more sessions to go. The reality is though, after I complete those three sessions, it isn't like I'm going to spring off of the table and be OK. I'm so burnt I can barley move my head. My tongue is so swollen that I can barley speak. There are sores in my mouth that prevent me from even drinking water without a great deal of prep. I can't believe that my usual cheerful attitude seems to be gone. I've prayed and meditated (well attempted. The pain seems to keep me trapped in my body). I haven't taken a pain killer during this entire experience and now I find myself wanting something strong! I feel pitiful and weak and it sucks. Just 3 more days until the cause stops I now tell myself. I can work with that. If I can manage my pain and drink cooling juices and water I can heal. I know the acupuncture will help and I will heal. By Monday of next week I will have begun to feel better. I will heal.

I know know why when I asked a good friend to tell me her experience, that she could not. She did not want to think back about it and now, knowing what I know today a feel bad that I ever asked. I understand why the doctors don't tell you all of this. Who in their right mind would allow themselves to be tormented. I am already saying that if I had it all to do over again, there is no way I would have done radiation. I would have just followed a careful diet and worked for the best result possible. I have to remind myself that I am saying this when my pain level is reaching and occasionally exceeding the level of 8. Ask me again in 5 years when I am cancer free if it was all worth while and I may have a different song to sing. One thing is for certain. Never again will cancer rob me of an Easter! I am already creating the menu for next year!  3 days until the source of pain is gone. Every day not under the radiation is a day that I can heal.

I keep thinking about  Dr.Smith  on "Lost in Space" yelling out his nelle "oh the pain, the pain of it all" It brings a smile to my face. In a few weeks I'll have Ken, no longer so worried, telling me what a drama queen I've been. We will both laugh but the memory will stay on in the backs of both of our minds. I understand now the light that is on in my survivors eyes. We all know the saying "That that does not kill me makes me stronger". The light in the eyes comes when you realize that it is not being just stronger. It comes when you realize that you are strong enough!