When the Fear Creeps In

For those of us intent on surviving cancer we put a brave face forward. Maybe for some it is fake it till you make it. For others, they just know that all will be OK eventually. We have to hold onto that knowledge at all times and not loose our faith. Survivors know that their hope and faith keep them alive. The positive thoughts sent out all day long keep us alive. The treatment can be brutal, but you walk forward to your treatment room like it's nothing. Fortunately for me I have a group that is treated at the same time every day, so we sort of look after each other, when someones name comes up on the board it is not unusual to hear a cheerful "OK, Ran, you're up!" You then dutifully answer a happy "OK!" and walk from the safety of the group to the machine that is filling your body with radiation. Killing cells. Fusing tissue. It's nothing. We can handle it. We are survivors. Until the fear creeps in.

There is virtually no human body made to withstand the effects of radiation. There is a whole host of side effects that go along with it. The good news is that not everyone gets all of them. There are treatments such as acupuncture that can help alleviate some of the side effects, but even my acupuncturist has been honest with me and told me she has never seen anyone go thru radiation without some. For me the side effects have come in the form of blisters in my mouth, on my gums and tongue and more swelling of my donor tongue. Yesterday morning I could barley talk the swelling was so bad. I kept thinking of what my plastic surgeon (the one who created frankentongue) told me. "The radiation will kill many cells in the donor tongue. It will continue to shrink during your treatments. There will be so much change every week you won't be able to believe it." Funny but I somehow left that appointment thinking that my tongue would shrink so much each week, my speech would be clearer and clearer until Voila! I sounded like Ran again. He failed to mention that my tongue was going to resemble something that had been tossed onto a barbecue grill and feel like it had been marinated with a belt sander. I have another 18 days of treatments with another round of chemo that is meant to boost the radiation. So yeah, the fear has crept in. Not on the survival level. I still know that I will survive this. It's more like, do I really want to? I think of the pain that I am in and look at the senior citizens having these treatments. How the hell are they handling it? And by asking that question I figured out the answer.

Pain is but a small price to pay for love and for life. In a year I will remember the treatments and the blisters but I will not remember the level of pain. What I will remember are all of the people who stood by me. Sending me the energy to get thru this. Praying for me. Loving me. Forcing me to eat even when it hurts so bad I want to throw the bowl of miso soup across the room. The dear friends who took the time to make sugar free tapioca (which should be on the market, it is yummy) and soup. All of the love is what I will remember and take from this experience. The pain will be a distant memory. Of course that is then and this is now. I am in pain. In fact it is the worst pain in this entire process. The reality is that while the pain is present, I have to go on and eat to keep my strength up, even though I don't feel like it. I need to exercise and meditate, to talk. The part of our minds that tells us that we will be OK, that we will survive this is the same part of our mind that allows us to rise above the pain. And when that fails we can take pain killers. Spray our mouths with orogel. Most food is tasting rather odd right now anyway, no taste could only be a plus. From my survivors I am learning what to do to survive so that I can ultimately survive. In spite of the pain, I continue to be grateful. I am surviving. In less than four weeks, the treatments will come to an end. It used to seem odd to me that almost an equal amount of time will be required to heal from the radiation, but now I can understand it.

I think back to the early 90's when I was involved with a group of people doing metaphysical studies. The graduation was going to be a fire walk. I think back and wonder if I would have finished and taken the walk, If I would be here now. Would I have already known that I could do anything and my life would have stayed on track? Well when I look back on the group and remember bad marriages, drug abuse, a suicide and other crazy goings on, maybe not. In the hear and now I am doing my own fire walk. Every day brings another step closer to walking out and finding out that my mind is stronger than the heat of the coals. Of course instead of fire, we are using radiation and instead of walking I am clamped down, but the result will be the same. I will know!