As the days pass

Things always become easier as the days pass. Ken had taken last week off to attend all of my doctors appointments. In the end we ended up loosing Noir, one of our pugs. Watching Ken in pain over the loss of his first pet has been hard. He started to make 3 dog treats yesterday morning and then broke down. Oddly the other two dogs don't really seem to care much. Noir was always the outsider to them, but we expected something.

One thing that dealing with Noir did was take my mind off of the painful news that I may need additional plastic surgery to repair my neck. This information was followed up by my cancer surgeon who informed me that surgery to the radiation site was not advisable because radiation decreases blood flow and things don't always heal properly. My surgeon explained that his number one purpose was to extend the life of the patient, not give them a perfect face. I pondered that for awhile. What about patients who want a perfect face? What if this were happening to an actor who needed to keep his looks for his career? Ultimately most of my thoughts this week have been of Noir. And for that I am grateful.

As Ken returned to work this morning and another day passes, everything is better. For some reason I'm not so concerned about how I look right now. It's not like I'm hideously disfigured, I just have a thicker neck and look a little older than I did when getting my diagnosis. But then in some ways I feel older too. Not in a bad way, maybe in a wiser way. There is an old saying that time heals all wounds. I know it to be true. Eventually the pain of the loss of our dog will diminish. Eventually I will look in the mirror and feel normal. Eventually I won't "feel" my tongue every waking moment. As for my sexy by fifty plan, it's still in place. Sexy is a state of being, I just have to allow myself to feel that way. I need to strip myself of the current set of rules of what sexy is and do some editing.

Out of this journey has come the understanding of how significant my relationship with Ken is. How the depth of our feelings reaches out to include our friends and family. I am part of a couple in a way that I have never been before. In a way that is about caring and nurturing. And it being two guys there is plenty of picking on and making fun of as well. It wasn't until faced with cancer and possible death that I came to feel safe, but I do today. For the first time in my life I feel safe. How many days had to pass before I realized that?