We all know the saying, yet we go on day by day continuing to make plans. My plan was called "Sexy by 50". It started out based on something that my dear friend ,Cynthia Lingg, once said. Don't allow yourself to turn 40 and not be sexy. Well 40 had come to pass and I hadn't headed her advice. I found myself almost 45 and 90 lbs overweight. I made a promise to myself that I would not turn 45 and be over 200 pounds.
Weight Watchers helped me take the weight off. Still sexy managed to elude me. Sure I was in the best shape of my life, but I still couldn't manage to see myself as sexy. One thing about cancer is that there is nothing (and I do mean nothing) sexy about it! Having cancer and being sexy at the same time is simply not possible.Think about it. Men would shove there stuff into just about anything. A watermelon, a sheep, a defrosted chicken carcass. Anything (or anyone) that isn't cancerous that is. The minute that the "c" word is brought into the equation men retreat! Who can blame them? Cancer simply is not sexy. Hey, just a few weeks ago before my diagnosis, I would have done the same thing.
The light at the end of the tunnel for me is this: I'm not 50 yet so the joke is on you Universe! The plan is still on. Yes, I'll have a couple of new scars. Scars can be sexy just look at Joaquin Phoenix! For those with truly diverse tastes, I'll have a cute two tone tongue. Hey, I can make this happen!
The reality is this. Sexy is a state of mind! Not a goal weight. Not a label. It is a state of being. I'm not there yet but I there have been glimpses. I saw myself in a mirror at the theater last month and realized I looked damn good! I'd call that a step in the right direction! Years ago I was taking to my dad and informed him that I had discovered that I was masculine. "How'd you discover that?" he asked. "I changed my definition of the word" came my response. I was smart enough in my 20's to realize that there were different types of masculinity and now in my late 40's I'm realizing that there are different types of sexy.
So you may be wondering how much I'm going to have to change my definition of sexy to include cancer. I'm not. That is simply beyond me. Here is my thought on it: As of Monday when they remove the tumor (well actually the half of my tongue that has the tumor on it) and reconstruct my tongue, I will no longer have cancer! That's right! Think about it. From a metaphysical standpoint (and many modern scientists agree with this as well) our thoughts create. Therefore it would be thought Russian roulette to say anything other than I had survived cancer! And survive cancer I will. So in a couple of years when you see this handsome guy with beautiful green eyes, spiky grey hair and a pouty lower lip and think, damn he's sexy, It just may be me!
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