Cold Feet

It's just 18 hours away from my date with the Surgeon and like many men facing a life changing moment I am starting to experience cold feet. Actually it is probably more like a full blown anxiety attack. OK, talk yourself off of the ledge I keep saying to myself and little by little it is working. I have an amazing care team. My partner Ken has been amazing. I have a great surgeon (yes, I googled him and talked to another of his patients). My Friends and family are standing by to provide what ever I need, whenever I need it, so really what is the problem here? Calm down....

It's sort of like that nagging feeling when your driving to work that you left the stove on but x1000! This is my life we are talking about here and I am facing a 10 hour surgery where half of my tongue will be removed (along with all of the cancer!) and replaced with a flap of skin and fat from my wrist. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid of the surgery, I'm afraid of the anesthesia. (I made the mistake of reading statistics of complications of anesthesia). The stove that I have left on is the loose threads of my life. Given the possibility that my life could be ended tomorrow afternoon by some careless anesthesiologist  who is thinking about his date from the weekend and not monitoring my vitals, I am freaked out by what I could have left unsaid.

Those of you that know me know that I love to talk! It is in truth my number one pass time. If my mouth were a car, I would have a pile of tickets for driving over the speed limit, cutting people off, and god only knows what else. But all of the blabbing that I have done in my life has just been that. I am faced now by all of the times that instead of listening to what someone was saying to me I was concocting what I was going to say next in response to what they are saying that I'm not really listening to. Kenny is the only person that really puts me in my place when my big mouth gets out of control. When I cut him off (which pretty much happens daily) he gets pissed and stops talking to me. And yes, I deserve it, but for some reason it hasn't really stopped my bad habit.

In reviewing my condition from a metaphysical standpoint, I think that the most likely cause of my cancer is talking to much and listening so little. Just do the math, what better way for the universe to create a way to force me to listen than quite my own tongue for awhile. This is a lesson that I plan to work on over the next several months because not learning this could have serious consequences! I believe that every life changing event has the potential of making you a better person. This includes cancer. This includes my cancer! I am choosing to have my eyes and ears opened and learn whatever lessons are to be learned on this journey. I intend to use the information for it's highest good and be transformed into a better person.

So back to the careless anesthesiologist and my anxiety attack. What about all of the time I've wasted blabbing on about useless trivia and not saying what was really important. How will Ken know that I have cherished every single second of our relationship (even the ones when we were acting out and it felt like I wanted to kill him). How will he know that he is in fact the best man I have ever known? How will Steve and Ruthie, Ken's mom and dad,  know that they have become my parents too? How proud and honored I am to be part of the Davis family. Does Gabby know that I think she's the coolest person on the planet and I secretly envy how cool she is? Do Bryan and Stevie know that I think of them as brothers? And speaking of family, does my dad know that I think I could have not asked for a better father. True we had our ups and downs over the years, but what an example he has set for me. I think about all of the time's I didn't call him when I had nothing positive to say because more than anything else I wanted him to be proud of me. Looking back it is so clean that just calling to say hi trumps all of the calls I could have made to tell him about a raise I got a work, a new job and new car, etc. Do Carla and Skyla know in spite of the fact that we have virtually no physical contact, I love them and feel there presence in my life daily?

And Doris, does she know I love her just like a mother? Does she know how much I treasure talking to her on the phone and how much she makes me laugh? Does she know that I know I have a relationship with my father because of her and how grateful that I am because out of all of my relationships I am the most proud of the one with my father. All of my work friends over the years that I think about calling from time to time, but there is no time left. If my anesthesiologist is a slacker will they know that I have really loved them like family? OMG! Caroline, my secret future wife when I go straight and leave Kenny. Does she know how much I love her and that her friendship makes my day so much brighter? What about Theresa? Does she know she's my sister and I love her like one? And my new friends I have started making just since the beginning of this ordeal, how much I appreciate them opening their hearts to  me (especially David and Csaba). How do you say what is on your mind when there is no time left?

Simple! You get over yourself, stop being a fucking drama queen and know that universe wants you to stay in it. In fact it and plans on giving you a world class anesthesiologist, That's, how. Mind over matter! Easy Peasy!