Home is Where the Heart is.

My trip to Texas happen too quickly. It seemed that for months it was all I could think about. Then the two weeks leading up to the actual trip I started to dread going. Leaving my dogs, leaving Ken....facing what Doris had been telling me about my dad's decline. It all seemed too much. Then before I knew it I was comfortably seated on Jet Blue flight direct to Austin with my Kindle in hand. Not to sound like a commercial here but for those of you who fly but have not flown Jet Blue, let me say this: Do it! Jet Blue's domestic flights rock. Great service, great prices and more than enough leg room. If you're taller than say 5'10" you can purchase roomier seats for only $45.00 which also come with the privilege of first boarding! 

Once in Texas I realized I had really over packed for the 5 day trip. My excuse is that I am used to packing for two. The reality is that I am sadly out of practice. One thing I am glad I took was my bathing suit. I knew my dad doesn't have a pool (which in my opinion is a must have for Texas) but Granbury has a beach. Not a real beach per say, but the city paid God only knows what to bring in tons of sand to create a "beach" on the lake. My step sister Dorenda and I spent one of the days there and it was a little slice of heaven. First it was great getting to know Dorenda, who in spite of our similarities, I have managed to not spend any time with in the 25 years my Dad has been married to Doris. That is my mistake, as it turns out she is a wonderful person and was a great hostess! (and such a cowgirl and god knows I love me some cowgirls!). Just spending the day talking and taking dips in the cool lake to cool ourselves down from the 103 degrees, was one of the best days I've had in ages. It's pretty cool to have another sister. It still surprises me, for years I have avoided anything to do with family, mine or anyone else's. I can't say if it is age or the cancer, but the feeling of belonging is comfort. I really discovered that first with my In-Laws, Steve and Ruthie. No matter how uncomfortable it was they were troopers coming by the hospital everyday to check on my progress. Some how it finally dawned on me that I wasn't just their son's partner, I was family. (That happened in spite of the fact that to date, California does not recognize or allow same sex marriages).

Now I find myself thinking of Dorenda as my sister. In the end, humans have an amazing capacity for love. Our hearts can stretch to embrace and unlimited number of people if we just make ourselves available. I spent the better part of 40 years to afraid to reach out or open my heart. Now it feels like it is the only thing to do, the only way to be. I think about all of the people who prayed for me during my journey with cancer and wonder if those prayers somehow unlocked my heart and mind. While in Granbury one of the best experiences I had was thanking my parents congregation for their prayers and got to announce that I was at last cancer free. The tears still fall when I think of standing there feeling nothing but gratitude. It feels amazing to be part of peoples lives that I had never met. They were willing to take time out of their busy days and say a prayer for me. . They of course love my Dad and Doris and want to make sure that they are comforted, but to go beyond that and see the selflessness in their simple act of including strangers in their day, requires a selflessness that I have yet to achieve. One thing you can say about cancer is it sure can bring people together. Yeah it sucks and I pray for the cure, but I have to be really honest and say this has been an amazing journey.

My short time in Texas came to an all to quick and and it was time to jet back home. Back to my life with Ken and our dogs, rabbit and fish. Back to the daily chores and the concentration of writing and working to improve my overall health. Yes I am cancer free but thanks to the treatments that got me there, still not as full of energy as I would like to be. Saying coming home feels somewhat odd to me, though. Long Beach has never felt like home, and yet here I find home in the company of Ken and our family. I still find Texas to feel like home. I know that I inherited my mothers nomadic spirit and long to roam, but as I really think about it Home for me is found in some pretty unlikely places. It is not a geographic location. It is where the people I love are. It is my support groups, my writing class, it is found online with friends made years ago or new acquaintances. Most of all it is with my family and especially with Ken. My heart lives everywhere I love. That is the lesson for me in all of this: just to keep my heart open.