It feels like I have been cold forever. I can't remember when this past winter started, but the average temperature in my house has been below 65 degrees (without, gas or electronic intervention) for so long it just feels normal to me. In normal times I would just put on a robe or sweater and go on with my business. These are not normal times however. Post surgery your body is a bit of a stranger to you. I look in the mirror and see myself, but there are defiantly changes. Some of the changes can't be seen, only felt. One of them is temperature regulation.
The person I most relate to these days is my Step Mom Doris. I remember too clearly when she was going thru "The Change", how she would react to her hot flashes. "Oh, OH, OH, OH" she'd exclaim while fanning away at the heat only she was experiencing. It was as if some ghost was haunting her by setting up micro climates around her that none of us could feel. I can't say that we were as compassionate as we could have been either, which for a lot of women most likely sets up a feeling of isolation during that time of their lives. Now it is my turn. The ghost now taunts me. Cold (I cover up and shiver trying to let the snuggy and my own body heat do their thing. HOT! (off comes the snuggy) Thirsty (quick get water) Hot (ice for the water). AHHH. Perfect. COLD! (You gotta be kidding me!) This can go on for an hour or so until the phantom leaves for awhile. I'm sure that this was caused by the removal of many of my lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. what ever is doing it, it sucks.
Finally, the sun came out a couple of days ago. I couldn't wait to go for a walk and feel the rays rain down on me. Finally defrosting my core. It was wonderful. Was being the operative word. 15 minutes of sun and then I was hot. I ran into the shade where I was cold. I played this game of Goldilocks and the tree bears for some part of the afternoon. Today was another beautiful sunny day! Yay! I can't wait to go for a walk in the sun (wait a minute, why is this feeling so familiar?) The past forgotten, The minute that Ken left for work, I got on my tennis shoes and headed out. Just a few minutes of vitamin D building sunlight and I finally remembered yesterday. I watched people in the park with their dogs and started to get mad! Why can't I be like them. Why can't I just enjoy this? The words whispered softly to me from within my own head "because you won't let yourself!" Cold can be invigorating, but you refuse to feel it's refreshing effects. Hot can melt your cares away, but your so busy trying to get back to a cooler temperature, that you won't let yourself melt"
The voice was right. In trying to seek some text book answer for what comfortable was, I was depriving myself of just living in the moment and experiencing what I was experiencing. And as far a being like every body else, I've never wanted that! I like being me. So if by being myself right now I go thru some hot flashes, or cold spells bring them on. If I can sit in the sun when it's 75 degrees and feel like I'm freezing isn't that at least unique? The body is a miracle! The way we heal is a miracle! And if we would just welcome each step of the process we could if not enjoy it, at least know how much we would appreciate the good health that was coming our way. After realizing this, I started thinking about the times, I've had a "miserable" cold. If you read what I was doing you'd probably get jealous and say sign me up. Snuggled up on the couch with a book (and now my Kindle). Ken at my beck and call with soup, water and what ever I needed. The dogs surrounding me giving me loving looks. Heck, in hindsight it sounds like a vacation! (OK, my head was filled up with snot, and I couldn't breath but that doesn't really seem like such a high price to pay). Maybe that is what Illness is. A break from the norm. None of us claim to enjoy it, but I can remember on more than one occasion when one of my employees or coworkers had a cold, that I would feel a twinge of resentment and want to be snuggled up on my couch.
I know that Ken will read this and remind me of it next time I have a cold. And that is OK. I need to be reminded of this. Years from now, after I have completed radiation and chemotherapy, I hope he reminds me of this. If for no other reason, so that I can thank him yet again for being a saint. In many ways my having cancer has brought the two of us much closer. Having the treat of loosing a loved one would probably do that for any relationship, but in our case it seems to be doing more than that. I appreciate him in ways I never did before. I have seen sides of him that I'd never seen. And in truth I feel that he actually sees me for the first time ever. We used to joke that we were staying together for the dogs and after the dogs were gone, we'll then we'd be just too lazy to break up. There isn't a lot of that type of joking around anymore. There has been a lot of us speaking our feelings on a daily basis. Some day, not too far off when I am declared by some medical professional as being cancer free, our lives will go on and get back to their normal. As we begin to feel safe again, we will start to joke again. And now for the first time, it occurs to me why I have been writing this blog. I always said that if it could help one other person, then it was worth it. I just figured out that the joke is on me. I'm the one that all of these words are helping. This daily cleansing of my thoughts is part of my healing and later the reading and re-experiencing of these emotions will be my ultimate salvation! I thank all of the readers who have taken this journey with me! I do hope the words inspire and fill you with hope! And if this writing can help one other person, I am beyond thrilled. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment