Tadaa ith the firsht dai...

Every morning I remind myself that today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can choose to live it well or choose to live in pain and sorrow. Being conscience and choosing my day has been a great way for me to stay in the here and now. Today with swollen tongue I read my line "Tadaa ith the firsht dai..." and couldn't help laugh at myself. I could have pronounced the words somewhat clearer but talking in general hurts right now. I think that overall this is a good thing. I need more practice on listening anyway.

I stated early on in my blog that I had spent my entire life talking and not listening to others. This included parents, friends, associates and most of all my partner, Ken. I have been "punished" several times by him with the silent treatment when I cut him off mid sentence. I really do need to learn to listen if for no other reason to have peace in my house hold. I get mad at myself every time, I ask a question and the answer comes back in this form: "like I told you last week...." Most normal people would be worried by early onset of Alzheimer's but I know that I didn't forget, I wasn't listening in the first place. I vowed to learn this lesson when I went into surgery, but still find myself hearing "like I told...." AHHHHH! It's either learn it now or end up becoming a monk and taking a vow of silence. (For those of you who don't know me, that is really a funny thought. My sisters haven't spoken to each other for years, but I am willing to bet that if I did take a vow of silence they would give up their silence with each other just long enough to place bets on how long it would take for my head to explode. If they were really smart, they could promote it as a pay per view event).

I believe that our thoughts create. That is my first rule in surviving cancer. When I look at the tapestry that is my life spread out before me I can see clearly where the stitches became knotted and tangled. I think that most of the survivors that I know could. The thing is that can we do it far enough in advance to prevent illness? There are plenty of warnings in our life to let us know if we are on track or not. The first is simple: Am I happy? The answer is yes or no. It is not a fraction. It is not well, I would be happy if...that just means that you are not happy. The next is simple also: Why am I happy? The answer should be simple and not involve anyone else. If I answered I am happy because Ken is so wonderful, then I have created a situation where if Ken where in a bad mood, got sick or left me, my life would suck! And while it is true, I hate it when he's sick. (mainly because Ken is so self sufficient when he is ill that there is nothing for me to do, so my need to feel needed goes into overdrive.) In truth if I would just leave him alone and go and clean something or do some of his bigger chores like raking or mowing he would appreciate it and I would be too tired to really care if he needs me or not. The point is that there are little lessons to be learned everywhere. This isn't a race. It's not like some crazy version of the Rapture where if you learn every lesson, you get picked to go to heaven. And for the record I don't believe in the Rapture but secretly hope that if I am wrong, that God will take all of the members of the First Baptist Church of Long Beach first. I am so tired of having that judgemental group come to my house and try to convince me that god is to be feared! God, in case you are listening,  is LOVE! And of that I am certain! I can't look anywhere without seeing beauty and creation and love. It is all around us everyday, everywhere. It was there before my cancer and has been there all through the process. So now that my tongue is swollen and I am at a new stage of the process I can still stand and look in the mirror and say: "Tadaa ish the fisht dai of the resht of my leift"! Hey, I know what I mean!