Only Fear Itself.

When FDR spoke the immortal line that "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself", he certainly got it right! I believe that he understood that line on a personal level better than any other American President could ever have because of his paralytic illness that kept him confined to a wheel chair. Imagine, if you will, one of the most powerful men in the world placed in a situation where people booth looked down (both literally and figuratively) and had pity on him. Only a powerful person indeed could overcome those obstacles and be remembered the third top president of all time, only behind George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Impressive as it is, I don't believe that it was any accident. FDR understood that fear would destroy you and that overcoming your fears would make you strong.

It seems that we have all forgotten that message in this day and age. We are paralyzed by fear, so much so that we remain glued for hours to the television watching "Storm watch updates" (for much of the country I understand this behavior, but I live in California. A storm here just isn't the same thing that it is in the Midwest or the South). We listen endlessly to the "warning Du Jour" that is flagged as the big news story of the night. (ever notice that those are always played on the 11:00 PM news?. i.e. Tonight at 11:00, is the coffee you're drinking giving you cancer? You watch, because you of course are a coffee drinker. A frightened coffee drinker! Then you of course find that the only evidence of this is in laboratory mice. And we all know about laboratory mice. Apparently every substance beloved by humans gives them cancer. I think that they are just unhappy in the lab and therefore prone to cancer no matter what substance they're given) We watch all sorts of crap on the news, infomercials, You Tube, the Internet. If FDR were alive today and owned a television, I bet that he would have never tried to become president. He would have stayed cowering in his house afraid of some rare mold that was associated with the type of lace that Elinore preferred to use for her collars. Give me a break! Is this what we have become? Oh, but it said it on TV so it must be true!

The truth is that I fall victim to the fear. I let my brain ramble on endlessly, taking me further and further down the rabbit hole. Today was no exception. Today I was my first day of Chemotherapy and Radiation. In our language of scary words those two are right behind only Cancer. (Well and maybe flesh eating bacteria). They are scary WORDS. In the end it is up to each one of us to choose how we deal with them. I was if not frightened, then certainly nervous about these treatments. I know about the statistics, I know that they are making advances in this area all of the time. I also know that even thought I made the decision to do have the treatments, I still felt in some part of me that I had betrayed myself and was about to play out some sort of scene where my body was to become the battlefield of Hiroshima. Good grief, Ran, even I'm thinking it. The funny thing is I'm not even sure why I was afraid. They type of chemo that I am having almost never makes you go bald (that would have been a reason) and given the fact that I'm only having two "rounds" I won't be finding my hair on my pillow in the morning. Once in the infusion center and looking around, it's really not so bad. The patients usually look at you and smile and in a lot of cases say hello. Loved ones are sitting around chatting with patients. My world didn't turn into some black and white film noir, where nurses in bullet bra's and starched white uniforms, kept jabbing me looking for a non existent vein, their dark red (or black, there is no color here) lips forming a thin line expressing their growing displeasure until they threaten to just toss me into a giant microwave. Actually, with the exception that the center was overbooked today, it was not bad. I got to read (currently reading Angle Time by Anne Rice. See above). Munch on nuts that Kenny thoughtfully packed, drank water and played with my phone. Even scored a 20 minute nap.

So what did I have to fear? Fear itself! Our minds can take us to dark places. Even though I have surrounded myself with Survivors who are walking me thru every step of the way. In hindsight I wish I would have talked more about the fear with my friends. Sometimes in wanting to be strong we can actually become weakened. Suppressing an emotion allows it all of the conditions in which  it needs to grow. Choosing to acknowledge your fear for what it is and then standing up and not living in the shadow of that fear is far more empowering. So now I know! Now I can choose a different way of handling things or not (hey, there is something to be said for bullet bras and starched white uniforms) When all else fails make yourself laugh! It is, after all the best medicine and a surefire cure for fear!