There's probably something that most of my friends and family never expected me to say, or in this case write. Lately I have been feeling surprisingly calm and content. Not something that I would be expecting to feel considering that I am about half way thru this process of surgery, healing and now chemo and radiation. Even the fear that I was going through before starting chemo was not the sharp pronged fear that I am accustomed to. It was more of a mellow buzz. Just annoying enough to know it was there, but nothing that set off my flight meter. But here I sit today, the fear of the chemo in the past feeling simply wonderful. And then my monkey brain turns on....
I was about to note that my house wasn't perfectly clean and that was OK, when the voice started in. "Is it OK? are you sure you're not depressed?' No, I'm defiantly not depressed and yeah, it's OK because I don't feel especially compelled to clean it up. I then start to reason with the monkey. After all, I got up fed all of the animals, bathed, made my "delightful" green drink (it's really not bad, but when making it I always think that if a group were watching me prepare this on TV they would be horrified), and started laundry. So shut up monkey brain! I am going to have a nice calm day! "OK, just thinking that you should probably make some oatmeal for Ken" Shut up monkey brain. Crap, now I feel the need to make oatmeal for Ken. And so it goes! Of course I am grateful for some of the monkey chatter. It does tend to keep me on track. Makes sure that I exercise, do my tongue exercises, eat correctly (including daily reminders that it is still lent and I am off of sugar. "But monkey brain, St. Patrick's day is a day we can cheat"! I thought back. "You're not Catholic so it doesn't count, no sugar" came the mental reply. Damn you monkey!).
I am writing this and suddenly wondering if maybe I am crazy? "Oh Yes! Defiantly crazy!" crept into my mind. Great, thanks monkey brain, now I have to wonder about this. Maybe this is what the people in the support group were referring to as chemo brain. Nah, I've only had one treatment. Couldn't happen this soon. "Well maybe..." Shut up monkey brain. Now where was I. I am going to have a calm day. "Don't forget your appointments". Is it possible that my monkey brain is a Jewish mother? Back to calm. "Don't forget to take out the laundry".... Thank god one of my appointments is with the acupuncturist. She can shut the monkey brain right up! "But you need me".. Not so much. "You just said that you should be grateful for the monkey chatter." Yeah, I said I should be. That doesn't mean that I am. "Oh" came the reply. "Is that all you got?" "I have nothing to say" came the response. Cool, we are on the same page now.
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