It would be too easy for any cancer patent to sit and look in the mirror and begin to feel sorry for themselves. We are, after all, not the people that we once were. Things have been removed and rearranged. We see scars where once there was unblemished skin. Then it is up to us on how we deal with it. Do you wear a wig to cover hair loss or is a scarf enough? Do you have reconstruction? There is so much going on and decisions have to be made. I, for one, am glad that my surgery immediately covered the reconstruction issue. I say that because I am not particularly enamored with the "donor tongue" right now. Still swollen from the surgery, it impedes my progress on speaking correctly. I say correctly, because almost everyone can understand me, but I would like to sound the same as I did before surgery.
Donor tongue also is suffering from blisters thanks to the radiation. In the long run, I am told that this is a good thing the more distraction during radiation the smaller it will be afterwards and everything in my mouth will be as it should. Perhaps the downward spiral of my mood is being caused by not being able to eat even as I was a few days ago. I remind myself to count my blessings. I have no other side effects from radiation. I am not fatigued or nauseous. My appatite isn't diminishing, in fact it seems to be increasing. In large part I can't eat as easily or quickly as I was and I can't eat the varieties of food that I was. The other side effect that hasn't occurred is a loss of taste. The remaining half of my taste buds seem to be working just fine! In all of this I am sure that there is a silver lining. I can start trying new foods that I am not accustomed to eating. That could be fun. Also, I have started the groundwork for our garden, so by the time we get in our first harvest, I will be long past this stage. But back to the original topic:
While the majority of cancer patients can hide there scars I frequently wonder if we should. Are the wigs to make the patient or society more comfortable? Recently I was accused of being drunk because of my voice. I for some reason, felt obligated to explain that I had half of my tongue removed due to cancer. I knew the voice would be problematic in the long run. I can't imagine being on the sales floor at work at this point. But Then I wonder, who am I trying to protect? Are the customers so important to me that I feel obligated to fit in? If you ever heard me venting about them after a long day at work you would answer NO! So what is it then? The survivors I know are extraordinary people. Shouldn't the extraordinary among us have the freedom to show there scars? Lately I have been wearing a v neck shirt in spite of the fact that my trech scar is not yet the little line that I am ensured that it will eventually be. No one really seems to notice. Should I take care and cover it to protect those that may be offended? What exactly are they offended by anyway? Are we so shallow a society that we would ostracize people with scars? Before you answer that take a moment and think about what you would have done at each stage of your life. Would the high school you let a guy into the group with a big scar on his arm or neck? How about single 20 something you? Much cooler and more successful 30 you? 40 you? 50 you? One thing I have to admit is that the older I have gotten the less I cared about what others looked or dressed like, but the more I cared about what I looked like. I was planning on being a 50 year old sex pot!
I see very clearly that I am going to be a 50 year old survivor. Changed in so many ways. More healthy and vibrant than my previous self. Wiser? God I hope so, because in spite of something missing from my body, I know that it is now my roll to help others through this process. So if I show my scars when I am out and about, some one might be offended or even repulsed. If given the chance I can tell them about the scars and show them that they are not to be feared. That person may end up with cancer or know someone who will have cancer in the future. It is up to me to help people understand that cancer does not have to be a death sentence. In fact, for so many of us it has been the very thing that called us back to life!
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