Screw You!

All cancer patients know that they should keep a positive attitude. The right attitude, we are told and shown, is central to our recovery. Generally speaking I do a pretty good job of being my happy go lucky, I'll get through this self, but once in awhile a situation comes along that makes me want to scream Screw You! I am glad that I know that suppressing my emotions is just as harmful as a negative attitude. It gives me the permission and even demands that I allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling. Let me back up to yesterday so that I can explain this little outburst.

Yesterday morning, I had a few errands to run, starting off at the bank. There were two parking spots available in a full lot and even though the car to the left had parked leaving only a small amount of room, I choose to park next to them. Did my banking and came out to find that another car had backed into the spot on my right (I just don't understand peoples need to back in, is this for a faster get away?). I miss judged the distance and broke their right hand passenger mirror. I looked around trying to figure out which business the owner was in so I could alert them when I was confronted by a very tall black gentleman screaming that I was some "f'd" up weird Frankenstein looking "Mo-Fo" I assumed him to be the driver so I apologised but upon hearing my voice (keep in mind the half of a tongue thing), he told me to shut the "f" up he didn't want to hear my drunk ass. I felt weak and helpless and most of all shocked. He just told me I looked like Frankenstein. I believe that I have already established that I'm vain as all get out. Were my friends and family lying to me when they said I looked good? Did they really mean that considering what you've been thru you look good? Was I lying to myself when I looked in the mirror? Not knowing what to do or say, I blurted out, "Hey, give me a break. I'm not drunk, I have cancer. I just had half of my tongue removed so I can't speak clearly" The man backed down and when I looked at him he his face it clearly read FEAR! A surprisingly small voice came out of him as he backed up quickly. "OK, man, God bless." His hand went up to  signal "we don't want no trouble here". He almost tripped getting into another car that two young ladies had been sitting in and was gone. I looked up and the puzzled driver of the car had appeared looking quite puzzled. "Excuse me, but was that you that hit my car?' Oh, crap, don't tell me I have to go thru this again! As it turned out he was very nice and because it was a rental really didn't care. We quickly exchanged information and the situation was over. Except it wasn't over! First I was saddened at how low we can sink as a society. That complete strangers feel that it is acceptable to scream at someone that they have little or no connection to. Did he feel that he needed to defend another stranger by taking one out?  Now I wanted to scream! I wanted to find the man and yell at him. "So you don't like my cancer? How the hell do you think I feel? I sound drunk? How do you think this voice sound in my ears? like a symphony? No! I wanted to spit on him and tell him that cancer was contagious! I was pissed!

"OK Ran, too far. Reign it in. This is not healthy " my inner voice called to me. "Screw You! was all I could think of. I was reminded of a recent trip to my hair stylist. She and I hadn't seen each other since before my diagnosis so I was catching her up on my diagnosis and surgery. I noticed another patron giving me "stink eye" in the mirror. Later on the street, Ms. Stink eye was talking on her cell phone, saying "This guy kept talking about his cancer. I don't know why those people don't keep such things to themselves. Illness should be a private matter." I let that one go because she was older and I could see someone of that generation having that opinion. I will admit wanting to snatch her cell phone out of her hand and Scream, "Oh I am horribly sorry that my cancer makes you uncomfortable. I'll make sure to never speak of it again!"  After those two experiences, I find myself being angry at myself for feeling the need to justify my being by my illness. After all, who the heck was that guy screaming at me? Wouldn't I under normal circumstances asked him, "is this your car? It's not? Then mind you're own business" I have the real owner to deal with. And why did I feel the need to give the woman at the salon a "pass" because of her age? I have always had friends much older than I, and never feel the need to give them any slack. Was cancer making me weak? Afraid? Embarrassed? Well yes, sometimes it does. But the truth is that even before cancer I felt those emotions so why was now any different? Because I have cancer and deserve a pass? No! I do not believe that I am entitled to a pass. When I am having a moment and wallowing in my sorrow, I want my friends to tell me to get over it. I want them to remind me that I am stronger than that, because I am.

As I begin radiation and chemotherapy this week, I might have days that I feel physically weak. I may be tired, but I am still strong, if only in spirit. I may need to be reminded of that over the next six weeks. And if I am not suppressing my emotions those friends and loved one's who braved giving me a pep talk  may hear me scream "Screw You"! And when, and if, I do, just laugh at me because behind the anger and frustration and weakness is a strong man who is (if only in secret) grateful for the message!

The Coffee Shop Chronicles of New Orleans