You can't see the forest for the trees goes the old saying. I had heard my mom say this hundreds of times while growing up. It was usually used when I announced that I was bored. Her reality was that I had toys and games and chores and hundreds of things to do that should keep me occupied. My reality was that I had nothing NEW to do to stimulate me. At 48, I still find myself playing the same old game with myself. The only difference is my mother has passed and isn't around to lecture me. Now, I have my partner to lecture me, give me the dreaded "honey do" list, and then follow up via text to make sure that I am making progress. Being bored is much harder in the techno age, but it is still possible.
Once you open Facebook and see all of the annoying requests for a cow for someone playing Farmville you get tired of it. And while I'm on the subject, why are all of my Facebook friends playing Farmville? I can't imagine that an e-farm could be that much fun or more rewarding than, say, planting your own garden that rewards you with real fruit and vegetables that you can actually eat! And what's up with all of the Hearts floating around? I opened up Facebook last week and the entire home screen was taken up by people sending each other hearts. And why did I need to know about it? I have to admit that my more techno savie partner finally got tired of me complaining and showed me how to turn off these nuances. Of course he waited until I was ready to smash my I-Phone. I guess he was bored and got some sort of kick out of my rants. Lately I have become bored with TV. I will be the first to admit that I have many shows that I love to watch. Most of them are not on right now, so it is the stream of "Ken's shows" (as opposed to "Ran's shows" or "our shows"). I keep wondering how much more interesting and rewarding my life would be without technology right now. Well right now wouldn't be a great time to be without technology. We have logged hundreds of hours researching cancer and treatments. Meeting cancer survivors. Finding all sorts of information on how to survive this disease. Additionally, I have used technology extensively to keep in touch with my family and friends. I have mentioned it before that my sisters and I were somewhat estranged at the time of my diagnosis. Through the miracle of Facebook, we have been keeping in touch and getting re-acquainted. I had forgotten how much I loved them and am glad every day for this second chance to have them in my life.
So perhaps what I am saying (to myself) is to seek out some balance. Use technology in moderation. If you're bored go for the sense of accomplishment rather than what ever is sparkly and new. What is in front of me lately is life. It has always been here. I just choose to ignore it. I forgot to accept the many gifts of love that were freely handed to me. Instead I sat in the corner feeling unloved and lonely. I kept locking my dogs out back rather than feel the joy of rolling around the living room floor with them because I didn't want dog hair on my clothes. I stopped sitting in my backyard and watching the birds bath and play in my pond because I had seen it before. For what ever reason I had put my hands up and said enough. But it wasn't enough. I pushed back so hard from life that the only way for me I could see what was in front of me was to get ill. I cannot speak for anyone else. I am not willing to diagnose anyone else's illness. I don't want to make judgements of anyone's condition. All I can say is that today, I am positive that that was the reason that I got cancer. I couldn't see what was in front of me. I was too busy talking to listen. And most of all I couldn't feel love because somewhere along the way I had stopped loving myself.
That all changed with the diagnosis. I recognized what was wrong and made strides to correct it. I want to live, but I want to live a full and healthy life. Before what I saw in front of me was a life of feeling deprived, feeling poor and feeling bitter. Not that there weren't glimpses of hope shining like light flashing through the trees, I had just chosen not to see them. Today when I look at the forest, I see the trees. But what's more, I feel the love! To those of you who have been a part of this journey with me, I say that I would never have even have wanted to do this without you. I didn't know this a few months ago, but know it and feel it today. I am rich! I am healthy. I am loved! I am all of these things because of you. Thanks for the advice mom! I may have taken a little while to sink in, but it finally has. I guess it is true, the older you get the smarter your parents get.
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