It is what it is

I would imagine that everyone who has struggled with cancer has had someone call them brave. It must be true. What else but bravery could lead anyone to face the terrifying news and subsequent surgeries and treatments? Facing friends and family. Letting people "in" or for some of us deciding to keep some people "out". All of the day to day decisions that must be made. Some made at lighting fast speed and others made that will effect the quality of our lives forever. Yes bravery is a good description and yet I don't feel brave. I'm not sure what I feel but I wouldn't say that today after my surgery and therapy I feel brave.

This is fresh on my mind because I was having coffee with one of my best friends this morning and he was telling me how brave I was. I was most certainly moved by his words yet still felt disconnected from the bravery aspect. Maybe it is because I think of the men and women defending our country as brave. I don't think I have what it would take to go to war and face gun fire. Heck, I remember hanging out in a park after hours with a friend of mine while I was in my twenties and we were approached by a man that I thought was carrying a knife. I screamed like a little girl and ran as fast as I could out of the park to torrents of laughter. He had only wanted a light. What I thought was a knife was a cigarette case. I was also one of those kids who got picked on a lot growing up. It wasn't until junior high that I was able to show that I had some skill in track that a lot of the guys started giving me a pass. Of course then I moved to Texas and it all started over again.

It could also be that because I have such an amazing caretaker in Ken, that I haven't felt the need to be brave. He has been my rock throughout this ordeal. To this day he is still studying books on cancer related topics to make sure that he is caring for me. I have to say that I don't know what I would have done without him and for that matter my in-laws. They have been so willing to drive me here and there when I wasn't able to, run errands and just show up and be with me. It has all meant the world to me. I feel that I have another mother in Ruthie. I think even they would all say that I have been brave. I know I have read facebook posts that Ken has made describing me as brave. All of my friends see it but I still feel blind to the bravery aspect.

I just feel like a guy who had to deal with cancer and did what he could do from day to day. No, in writing that statement I think that there is more to it. But bravery? I'm still not still not sure. To be honest I think it is more like the poem footsteps. I feel that God has carried me through this journey. From the minute my cancer manifested to today. I think that that is what I am feeling. No bravery required. I have from the earliest moments of dealing with this disease when I said very clearly that "I'm not going to die". God was there. For years I had forgotten about my connection with the Divine. Just muddling through life and making a mess of things. It wasn't until faced with life threatening situation that I was able to open my eyes and heart and feel that God was there with and for me. To know that I am part of the plan and have more to do. I can't imagine being atheist and dealing with this any more than I could imagine dealing with this without my friends and family. To me they are the brave ones. Ken staying strong even though I know he had to be terrified. My Mother in Law who worries enough for all of us. My amazing buddy, Scooter, who looking at me the day after surgery while I was black and blue and my tongue was so swollen it stuck out of my mouth, told me that I still managed to be sexy. (That or he has a really twisted idea of what sexy is) That is what I call bravery. To look at a loved one who is broken and still see them as whole. My friends and family are angels who have carried me these past months. I can't speak for how they feel exactly but I see them as part of the Divine. And as for feeling brave all I can say is Maybe I am. Or maybe it is what it is.