Support

I grew up as the only boy in a house hold full of girls. Because of this I started to understand support from a young age. My mother would constantly warn my sisters of the dangers of not being supported by a bra. How their breasts would sag later in life if they ever for even a second took the miracle garment off. It was so ingrained that even I preached at them when they rebelled in the 70's and wanted to go without. But watching women my whole life, I learned the importance support in different areas. How women were so comfortable relying on each other. Sharing recipes and guidance of how to take care of the house hole. In fact had it not have been the advice from a friend of my mothers, I would have had to wear braces on my legs as a child. My mom had turned to a friend of hers and was told to simply put me to bed with my shoes on at night. It worked and my leg straighted out goes the story. Thank god, I was already one of those children destined to be picked on without adding that to the list.

One of my biggest lessons on support came when my parents divorced when I was 7. In spite of the child support my mother was forced to work full time. I remember her saying children don't realize whether or not they are rich or poor. She was wrong. I knew we were suddenly poor. We moved and I hated our house. I couldn't stand to have friends over. I was embarrassed by the peeling paint and mismatched furniture. I wanted things to be as they were. I learned quickly that in order to be OK in this life I would have to rely solely on myself, or just like my mother and my present circumstances I would be screwed. To make matters worse, I was jealous when I went to visit my dad and saw him living our old life, but with a new wife. Well actually a few new wives. Thank god he finally got it right on his last try! It is a miracle that I learned to love and be loved and live in a supportive relationship. I'd like to think that the spiritual nature of support was there within me all along just waiting to be rediscovered. Of course I still have to work on it. That has been one of my biggest and best lessons from cancer. Our spiritual connection has to be worked on and exercised, it is not something that can go ignored, lest it be forgotten.

As I grew older and started hanging out with more and more men, I seemed to loose much of my nurturing spirit. Men connect at a much different level. They tease and joke with each other, shooting verbal darts across the room at one another to show who has the tougher hide. There are really no winners in this game. After awhile being mean even in fun starts to wear on your spirit. I remember going to dinner with a group of friends and someone brought a date that I didn't care for. I was simply polite. Later my friends commented that I must really hate them. "But I was nice, what would make you thing that?"I asked "Because you were nice, your never nice. We know that you like us by how mean you are" came the reply. I simply laughed and acknowledged that they were right. Looking back now, I see how sad that really is. Being mean to show I care? Where did that come from? And more importantly how do I unlearn the behavior? I am realizing even as I write I am guilty to this day of doing it, especially with my partner, Ken. Sounds like I have some amends to make.

Last night in my Cancer Support Group we talked about support. We covered some of the ninth chapter of Anticancer by David Servan-Schreiber. The book talks about a scientific study of a group of women with breast cancer who were in a support group. It was found that in two years the women from the support group were emotionally much healthier than the control group and to the shock of the doctor performing the study they were physically better as well. It even goes on to say that the women who attended on the most regular basis were doing the best. I thought about that I went back several months ago in my mind to my diagnosis. One of the first things I did was reach out via facebook. It seems that I still had the natural sense to seek out one thing that would help me and that was support. The support came too. In the form of prayers and well wishes. It came in the out pouring of love from friends and family, many whom I had lost contact with. And most importantly it came in the form of cancer/disease survivors who walked me thru the most challenging time of my life.

Support may be frightening, but it is critical. Giving support does not entitle you to anything other that the good feelings you receive from doing it. That being said,  accepting support when needed doesn't obligate you to anything. Support given with strings attached isn't support. That is a business arrangement, which is fine if both parties willingly wish to enter into it. Giving and accepting support is liberating for both participants. Being selfless is an act of love and devotion. Being needful can free someone to offer you support. It is also an act of love and devotion. When we support each other we truly live and truly love!