I've always wanted to write from a positive mindset in my blog. Over the past two weeks not being able to pull myself together to do that I've instead opted not to write much at all. Looking back I see how much I have cheated myself. This page is where I put it all down, release my pain and frustration and just the truth of my experience. It feels as though I have been living a lie lately. I have not been a ray of sunshine. I have been laying in bed sleeping. Some it needed, actually a lot of it needed, but there are times when I just haven't wanted to get out the of safety of my cozy sheets. I want to be protected from the outside world and all of it's demands. Demands to hurry up and heal, get yourself together, clean the house. go to work, water the yard, pick up after the dogs, make dinner.....
Let me back up here just a bit. Two weeks ago today I finished my chemotherapy and radiation. I announced to the world that I was cancer free and got ready to start healing. I slept for almost three days after that. My partner, Ken, woke me up for meals, but I just slept. It was really all I could do to get up and feed the dogs and then go back to bed. It felt like someone had syphoned my tank in the middle of the night and left me with nothing. Looking back this was the only period of my recovery that I had been on pain killers (for the radiation burns on my neck). That Saturday I was able to get out long enough to go to an acupuncture appointment. But it was right back into bed as soon as I got home. I felt that I was inconveniencing everyone because I couldn't drive and I think knowing that made me want to stay home even more. Finally it got to where I wasn't sleeping so much so I would pop a vicodin and zone out and sleep some more.
The good thing is that I continued to heal more every day. By the time one week had gone by my neck was almost clear of any evidence of being burned with the exception of 3 small scabs which persist to this day (although smaller) and some flaky skin that is easily controlled with body butter. My mouth was basically burned the same as my neck. I watched every day as the skin on my donor tongue shed and revealed new skin (sans hair!) The swelling is going down on my donor tongue as well. By Friday of last week I was starting to speak without any pain (well physical pain. I still don't like not being able to speak clearly as 1/2 of my tongue is still swollen and I have much speech therapy looking at me in the future). Everyday there was the evidence of healing, of being better.
Still something was missing. I just wanted to sleep. Or if not sleep just not be here in this body with it's strange new Frankentongue and scars. I didn't want my old life back either. I now find myself stuck in the middle. I believe that when God closes a door he opens a window but I have lately been keeping my drapes drawn. I feel stuck. I want to make changes to my life in order to live happily, but feel pressure to join the world where I left off. I hate that idea. Not that I mind going back to work. I actually look forward to it, but one major thing that will be different for me is that I will never seek my identity through my occupation again. It is mearlie a means to make a living. I will do it and do it well, but it will not run me. I also want to start a more disciplined spiritual practice but have no idea what to do there but start searching and reading.
Last night I got out and finally attend a new support group. (So much better than my last try!) One thing I realized while listening (yes, listening, me! I was listening!) last night, is that I am not special because I have had cancer. I'm just one of millions who have had to deal with it. I believe that I manifested it to correct my life. Now that is my opinion. I have never asked anyone to agree or disagree. It is not up to me to tell anyone why they have cancer or any disease for that matter. But as I turn my life around and begin to live more happily, it is not a bad belief to have. I am glad also that I finally did reach out. Just hearing that you are not in this boat alone is comforting.
So here I am. I threw out the remaining vicodin last Friday realizing that I needed to clear the fog in my head. It is time to let some light in, so I opened up my drapes this morning. I fully intended to get up after eight hours of sleep but still managed to sleep for eleven. Nothing to beat myself up over though. It is really possible considering what my body has been thru that it needs the sleep. Today my mind is clearer. I will not succumb to depression. Today I will clean and water and start, piece by piece, to rejoin the world. After all I am the one who diagnosed my cancer as a cry for a different life. That make me my own doctor. It is up to me to learn how to do this but I am grateful that I don't have to do it on my own. I have so many amazing people around me to cheer me on. Some are survivors and some are just great people who inspire me every day. I am also grateful for Ken my family who have made this journey as easy as it could possibly get. Now on to writing my first prescription: It's time to let the light in!
No comments:
Post a Comment