When did I move?

For all of my life I've lived in my head. Always thinking, processing, fantasizing, etc. I was comfortable there. Most of my life I felt like an outsider so being in my head was a safe place. The best part was that didn't need to retreat to my head, I was already there. Already planning, and plotting just how I would react, or how I would let anyone see me react. Most of what I did was planned and rehearsed. While you were talking, I wasn't listing, I was planning on what I was going to say next. The miracle here is that I somehow managed to seem coherent. With the exception of my partner Ken, who's biggest complaint is that I don't listen to him, I managed to get away with it for years. I was a master of it. No wonder I frequently fantasized about going into acting. The reality was that I was acting.

I the 90's I met Cynthia Lingg. She set an example of what it was to live in the moment. She was herself no matter what! After working for her for about a year, I began to drop some of the act. I figured that if she could be that crazy and be loved by everyone, then maybe I stood a chance. I would say that for the years I worked for her I dropped about 50% of it. Hey, it's a start. I also started discovering my spiritual side which was helpful in letting a lot of the facade go. One thing I was not able to do back then was balance my sexuality with my spirituality. The two would never meet. I am not sure if it was the judgemental teachings of my mother that sex was evil, or what but God was never invited into my bedroom (or anywhere else I was planning on engaging in carnal activities for that matter). This was how it was to be. I even remember one of my teachers commenting on this duality and all I could think of is "what does she know"? It never occurred to me that it was obvious.

Of course God had other plans for my life. I was given the gift of love almost 12 years ago. Ken knew about my spiritual side and accepted my anyway. I wasn't some freak, in fact he seemed to embrace my journey (as long as I didn't try to drag him into it. He is pretty set in his own beliefs). In spite of a gift like that I managed to ignore my spiritual connection for years. In fact I managed to ignore it until I was diagnosed with cancer. We used to talk in church about the 2 x 4 to the head experience. This was most definitely mine. It was an instantaneous wake up and welcome home kind of call.

I was at a writing similar earlier today and made a discovery. Somewhere along the way, I moved out of my head and into my heart. (although I must confess that I am using my head as a storage unit!). Emotions are readily available. The most shocking for me is compassion. I used to feign being a compassionate person. I knew from film what it was supposed to look like and could give an amazing performance. Today in class, thru tears I realized just how wrong I had it. How I got away with it is beyond me. All I know now is that somewhere in the past few months I moved. I didn't turn in an notice and don't remember receiving an eviction. All I know is that I woke up today and had changed residences. Physically they are so close together but spiritually it is like living in another world. I don't know when it happened but I do know that I am happy to be here.