It's only been three weeks since my surgery, just a additional weeks since the cancer diagnosis, but in the whirlwind I have been driven around by my partner. Nothing really new as he usually drives (he likes to control the music). In just a short time span however, I have felt chained down. Glued to the house. Finally, today in what almost felt like an act of defiance, I drove my truck! Upon opening the door, I smelled the stale air from the little Toyota being closed up. I even toyed with the idea of having her washed. It was just a short drive, but as I backed out into the street I suddenly felt free. I made it to Starbucks without incident, got my latte and drove home. I think I will always remember that drive! I love the quite in my truck. I rarely turn the music on. Something soothing of just the sound of the air and road. In fact the only time I ever turn on music in my truck is when I'm obsessing about something. It keeps me from focusing on my obsession and is therefore welcome.
It made me wonder about other things though. What else am I missing? I don't have an answer for that at this point, just a question to the universe. One of the things I have always felt about having cancer is that it is a great motivator for second chances. It is time to change my couch potato lifestyle. I believe that Ken would like the change as well, but we find ourselves in the same rut. "What would you like to do?" "I don't know". I'm not sure if the problem is of a geographic nature (I have never really loved living in Long Beach, and don't find it to be particularly stimulating as I found San Diego or New Orleans). So what do you do when you don't know what you want to do? I am so tired of finding that the answer for the both of us is watch TV. Television seems to be a mindless trap. While you can watch a film, it will never stimulate your mind the way that reading the book instead would.
Perhaps a challenge of how long we can go without television is in order. I don't have the answers here, but am quite sure that I need to start coming up with something. I want a fulfilling life. I believe that finding it is part of the overall cure. The challenge here is just to be open. Open to suggestions, pen to invitations, and ultimately open to trying new things. Tonight, for example, we are going to a meeting that will allow us to start attending support groups. That's new. The advice I have been given is go 3 times and then if you think it's not for you, quit. I wish someone had told me that about 12 step programs. Two years of listening to people complain to get to the point that I didn't really need it. (No matter what the other members said when they called me trying to get me to come back). As it has turned out, I got what I needed and didn't need it any longer. The experience for me was like finally trading on old car in and driving off the lot in a new one. The old one (old ways) got me to a certain point. The new one (new attitude, new thought, new found peace of mind) would take me further and in more comfort. So it seems that right now I'm in need of a new spiritual vehicle! Time to drive!
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