Mother said that there would be days like this...

This should have been a great day. I slept very well (I did a four hour stretch which is new, post surgery) and was able to stay in bed until 8:30 am. Ken quietly got up and fed the dogs, fish and rabbit and started cleaning. I woke up to only having to figure out what to feed myself and shower. That's when things started to go a bit off.

Before any surgery the doctors list the risks involved, Dr Oh, was no exception. One of the risks was severing a nerve in my neck that controlled the muscles in my face. It could distort your smile he warned. After surgery, one of the first things that I did was to check and see how my lip was moving and decided that all was fine. However, in the weeks that have followed, I have realized that I have no feeling from approximately the center to bottom of my ear and down and around my jaw to just before my chin. Once again all on the right side. I had brought some of this up to doctors who's typical response is that it could be permanent or the swelling could be blocking the nerve and it will mend over time (my favorite scenario) or in the years to come the nerves could "find their connections and rewire" (OK, not my favorite, but an acceptable plan B). This morning while brushing my teeth, I realized that even though my lower lip has most of it's mobility, I can no longer form an O. Lower lip will go up but not down. Great, so now I'm going to have a lop sided smile (yes, I checked. I smiled into the mirror for several minutes). Ran calm down I told myself! Think about the people who have had so much worse than you. Think about the guy you always see when you go to the Radiologist who has had both of his legs amputated. I bet he would be more than happy to trade places with you. That may all be true, but I'm dealing with me! I have faced this challenge head on. Said to the Universe "Bring it on, because I am going to beat this!" I just wanted to do it with a smile on my face. MY SMILE! Not some lopsided smile that was caused by a slip.

My shallow side got me to wondering,though, would other people faced with adversity willing change places with someone else if it meant giving up what they had learned? Would Steven Hawking trade places with some hot guy with a 75 IQ just to get laid? (keep in mind that there is no going back in this scenario). And is it even shallow to want what I was born with? (even if I did change my nose). I decided to turn my mind off and went and made a smoothie and figured out what time we would need to leave in order to be in Hollywood on time for my appointment. Kenny packed a bag of snacks and water, I grabbed my Kindle and we took off. Traffic wasn't so bad, we got to the appointment early. Cool, I can read I thought. Then the nurse called for me. I got checked in and was placed in an exam room. Cool I can read. Then the doctor dropped by to let me know he was in a meeting and would be running late. Cool, I can read. Then Ken started in. Can you hand me the bag, can I get a tissue, do you want some water? Actually, I did, the room was quite hot. Finally the doctor came in to go over my treatments. As it turns out, I am only having two doses of Chemotherapy. Very low in concentration with only minimal side effects. Cool! I get to keep my hair!

I asked the doctor if he could have a nurse remove the staple from my arm, that the surgeon forgot. Not a problem. He went off to order nausea meds and take care of that. We sat around in the room. Kenny ate an apple and I realized that he had not packed anything for me (still on a liquid diet). I am a big boy and can pack my own lunches. I know that, but if Ken was going to pack snacks and water, doesn't it seem reasonable that he would pack something for me? Now I was irritable. In part, because it was 2:00pm and I hadn't eaten since 9:00 am and in part because my amazing caretaker dropped the ball. Then the doctor came back with the prescriptions and told us that we would have to go to a different facility down the street to get the staple removed, but his nurse had called ahead and set it up and they were waiting. OK so we could grab the meds and take a nice walk (past the Scientology Center. That place really gives me excited creeps). When we got to our destination, it turned out that the nurse had not called ahead, so I would have to wait. Cool, I can read. I no more than turned my Kindle on before I was called back up. Sorry, you'll need to be seen by a doctor. For what? Oh and You'll need to make a specialist co-pay to see the doctor. For what? So someone with more education that I have can look at my arm and tell me what I already know, that the surgeon forgot to remove a staple? Never mind! Suddenly I was really angry! In fact that is the first time I have felt angry since my diagnosis. (those of you who know me know that I bitch on a daily basis, so this new found zen state has been nothing short of miraculous!) Why were people harshing my mellow? I just want the frickin staple taken out. I was ready to grab a pair of nippers and take it out myself at that point. I grabbed Ken and marched towards the elevator. Once in I tried to calm myself down. Unfortunately it was such a short ride that the door opened before I could. There were about 10 people waiting for the elevator and instead of letting us off decided to charge it like the passengers of the MUNI in San Francisco at rush hour). God! Now we had to walk back to the parking structure (past the Church of Scientology and NO I DON"T WANT A STUPID INVITATION TO YOUR CRAZY FILM THAT WILL CHANGE MY LIFE!) I just want to get in the car and go home. But no! We have to stop by the nursery for water plants for the fountain so the fish will have a hiding place. Fine make it fast. Then by the In-Laws. Fine make it fast! (we did) Finally, at home I was able to grab a protein drink and put something into my stomach. Much better!

All in all, still not a bad day, just not the day I was expecting. Actually it was the day I was expecting, minus the anger. It seems that I have been in a bit of a protective cocoon for the past month. A wonderful place where people think of my needs and I feel content and never once angry. It then occurred to me. Mother said that there would be days like this. She was speaking of life. If I can handle cancer surly I can handle of few mishaps and maybe a meal along the way. I have to remember that I jumped into this ready to take it on and take on anything else that got in my way as well! What can I say? I turn into a DIVA when I get hungry? No Ran, toughen up. Your going to need it for the fight ahead! Oh and spoiler alert, I will be ready! Maybe whiny, maybe angry, maybe even a DIVA but defiantly ready!