First thing I noticed this morning when I got up was that one of my dogs had had an accident by the back door. With Ken being at work the responsibility of cleaning it became mine. Where are those caretakers when you need them? Come on, this isn't a big deal, I reasoned and started in on the mess. My Pug looked up at me with sad watery eyes and tried to scoot close to me. It's not as if I could look at them and say "Daddy has cancer, so please don't have any accidents for me to clean up". It wouldn't work on a dog. (It did however work on a clerk at Target when I wanted to make a return over 30 days. Amazing what the "C" word can do!) The bottom line is that I can clean up the poop! My recovery is at the point that I can do a lot more than even I expected by this point. No to keep harping on it, but just two and a half weeks ago there was a surgeon with his had thru my neck removing half of my tongue. Yes I am suprised by what I can do in just this short amount of time.
Fueled by this knowledge, I got undressed, plastic wrapped my own leg, covered my arm and showered myself. The best part of this shower is knowing I didn't have to wait for it. Looking at the clock, knowing Ken would be home around four. Having to give him time to de-stress from the day and then dropping the bomb that I really want a shower. Watching his oh crap reaction, which immediately gets wiped away as if by some cosmic swiffer to be replaced with his sweet caretaker face. I notice those things. Of course I still want a shower so buck it up and wash me! As of today that is over! (although I wouldn't turn down having my back scrubbed!).
Healing appeares to be a combination of pain or aggravation and patience. How much can you do on your own as opposed to how much do you need to have done for you and then pushing those boundaries each day. I should mention that I have never been the most patient man. This disease has been helping me on that, however. It is also helping become aware of real vs. self imposed limitations. Asking the question "really?" all of the time and having a plan b, just in case I have pushed it too hard.
Cancer doesn't stop dust from collecting, spiders from spinning webs. It does not block the rain from hitting your windows, rendering them a streaky mess. It cannot keep sheets clean or dogs from shedding. In short life goes on while you have cancer. There are groceries to buy (or make if you live in NOLA), trips to the doctors. This is not a bad thing. Life should go on. I think it is the fact that life goes on that makes us loose patience with our healing and cast out our net so that we can get back into the flow of life! And while I'd love to have a maid (and who wouldn't) this is nothing new. I have never been excited about cleaning the house. Well, except for those ADD deep cleans when I am having company. I love the manic of perfecting things and then sitting on the couch appraising my work while waiting for guests to arrive. For that reason alone, we never seem to have too much company as my frenzied cleaning binges make Ken a nervous wreck.
Today alone, I have showered, walked a few blocks, fed the dogs, started laundry and worked on my blog. OK, so I didn't get up a run a marathon, I didn't do that before I had cancer, either.I'm back in the swim and will continue to heal, help keep the house clean, do laundry and, of course, pick up the dog poop.
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